Kid throwing a tantrum. How fun! | Image Credit: LizaWasHere, Flickr
It seems like the biggest taboo of all is daring to say you don’t plan to have kids. So that is precisely what I plan to tackle in this piece.
When I’m asked why I don’t plan on having children, the short answer is “because I remember how tough it was for my mother to raise me!” Actually the plain reason is because I just have no interest in raising one and changing my life so dramatically when I’m happy with it just the way it is thank you very much, just like you might have no interest in owning a pet… regardless of the joy it brings.
For the record, I’d love to have pets – more so than children. So therefore that makes me selfish, apparently.
Just get a load of this ridiculous, judgmental drivel:
Indeed, there are more finite calculations involved: Career demands. Timing. Not having a partner, or not having the right partner. Flaky fears about overburdening our already overburdened planet, personal choice and a bunch of other hooey that serve to hide the fact that happy couples that choose not to have kids are, at root, well, let’s see: selfish.
“The childless couple lives in a vacuum,” she wrote. “They try to fill their lonely lives with dinner dates, theatre, golf, tennis, swimming, civic affairs and trips all over the world….
“See what the years have done. He looks boyish, unlined and rested. She is slim, well-groomed and youthful. It isn’t natural. If they had kids, they’d look like the rest of us — tired, gray, wrinkled and haggard.
“In other words: normal.”
Taken from: Trend of couples not having children just plain selfish | Canada’s National Post | Joe O’Connor
Haha. Sounds to me like this is just the pathetic mudslinging by the vehemently, secretly jealous. It’s so selfish of childless people to condemn those who choose to have children to their secretly miserable, regret-filled lives.
The common reaction from my friends is, “you’ll change your mind”. Uh huh. Presumably when all my other friends and siblings get kids. When that time comes, I’ve been told, children is all they‘ll ever talk about, and I will feel left out and distant because I can’t join in the endless rants and lols of the stereotypical parent whose social life has become parenting. In other words, I’ll become a parent in order to fit in.
Sounds kind of selfish to me.
I get called “selfish” for thinking of myself and choosing what must seem like an amazingly free, hedonistic life alternative, instead of choosing to raise kids. I get called selfish by shocked soon-to-be or already-are parents who have largely deluded themselves that all the lost sleep, reduced free time, significantly reduced income, tantrums, endless baby smells, lost friendship circles and hazardous mess are 100% worth it because children say the darndest things, get smarter before your eyes, and have your nose. Some parents draw contentment because their line is going to live on after they perish. It’s amazing to know that your genes are now immortal through this creature (or creatures) you are raising.
A tad selfish thought.
Having children also gives you this amazing hall pass to endlessly plaster Facebook walls and Instagram feeds with naked family photos… this 21st century public alternative to the private photo album.
Turning everyone’s computers with image caching turned on into a machine containing questionable content sounds fun and all, but again, a little selfish.
So when I come across someone else who is a parent and actually tells it how it is, daring to be overall negative about the experience and highlighting the cons, serving as a warning to potential wanna-be parents who perhaps need to take a second thought, I feel like sharing.
Good on you for having an opinion! As for those who get defensive or offended… you are grown-ups after all, aren’t you? I’m sure you can deal with it, just parents teach their kids to respect differing opinions and the old “words will never hurt me” proverbial.
“I hate being a mother. If you don’t have kids, think long and hard before you do. Those tv commericials are lying to you. It is not a fairy tale.
My kids are of toddler and preschool age. They fight, scream and demand all the time. I am so unhappy. Noone tells you how awful it is to be a mother. noone! Yes there are little sweet things that happen from time to time but over all it’s terrible. I am so exhausted that I can’t sleep at night. My nerves are shot from the kids constant yelling, fighting, and having to explain, soothe, or whatevery 24/7. I am tired! The amount of work that it takes to be a Mom and a housewife is inhuman.
I never have a moment to just relax because when I am I am thinking about what work has to be done. It’s fucked up. Yes I love my kids but I hate mothering them. Whatever happened to it takes a village to raise a child? For the most part, I am the sole caregiver.
My husband works from early morning until they are almost ready to go to bed. He has social functions for work and in my opinion has it real good. I had to give up my career and my entire existence for my children. and do you think anyone appreciates it. It’s just expected. I didn’t even get a mother’s day present last year.
I fantasize about running away from it all. It’s too much!!!
If I had to do it all over, I wouldn’t have any children.”
If you think this mellows as children grow older, apparently not. Not every parent is lucky, or maybe instead it’s “not everyone is cut out to be a parent” if your children turn into terrible teens. Remember, it’s the parent’s fault, be it through emotional or familial or socio-economic circumstances. Another reason you should think long and hard about what the future holds for you as a parent.
“Try having teenagers who think they know everything – I have 4 kids and I’m a single mom. My two oldest I hate with a passion – they dont respect me – fight with me – use me – etc – I’m ready to get a gun n kill them – thank god the oldest doesn’t live with me – it’s the second oldest – mouth is horrible – my 14 yr old and 5 yr old are scare of him – I wish he poof n disappear.”
Here’s one that’s not so drastic:
“When did parental involvement turn into becoming the cruise director for your child’s time? Am I selfish? Is that what this all boils down to? Maybe it’s true: Maybe I don’t really want to drive them anywhere/everywhere.”
I don’t think the more drastic rants above are necessarily signs of post-natal depression, or even always the result of some mental disorder. I think this is more common than everyone cares to admit. This is someone with the guts to admit, albeit anonymously, that they think life could’ve been better had they made different choices, instead of burying it so deep they forget what their life could be like if they were more informed before they took the parenting step when they did.
Eventually, everyone has to suck it up and accept where life has led you, what choices you made. There is no rewind button, only forward. But hey, you may as well be dead honest first. And yes, I may live to regret not having kids. But I’ll still feel like I dodged a few bullets, too.
Having children means sacrifice. I get that. You have to put someone ahead of yourself, at all times, for the rest of your life. How can a life choice like that be anything but selfless? All you parents, I do admire you and respect you. After all, my own parents included, brought us to where we are today, made us into who we are today.
Parenting is immense hard work, I may have never done it myself but I sure as hell watched it being done raising me. The selflessness is highly recognised which is why parents deserve recognition with their own day: Father’s Day, Mother’s Day. Gratitude and all that. But at a fundamental level, isn’t the choice still a selfish one?
The reason people choose to become parents, is for their own happiness and fulfilment:
- So they can feel they are progressing along with everyone else they know in life and not feel left behind
- So they can have a family around them when they die
- To make your life a warmer, happier, more loving place
- To prove to yourself you can do a better job than your parents did
- Because having children around is your comfort zone thanks to your massive family
…or whatever other reason that drives you to fill that void, that “next life step” of yours, with kids.
That’s largely a selfish choice. It’s not all selflessness. Can’t you see it?
So, stance accepted, stance respected… but my goodness, don’t call people selfish or look at us like you can’t fathom our sanity or lack of human compassion if I don’t want to raise a child. Respect the parents who have the guts to tell you they regret it. For they represent a much larger percentage who go about life biting their tongue, afraid to voice the taboo of regret and what-ifs, a silent majority, perhaps.
And respect parent-less people, too. Just because people may not have children doesn’t mean their lives are devoid of sacrifice.
Over to you readers… discuss, and feel free to stay anonymous! It is, after all, the world’s biggest taboo.
Related articles
- Soften It Up, Tone It Down…Temper Yourself (peanutjellysandwich.com)
- The self sacrifice of having children (theworldofraven.wordpress.com)
- Please define what you mean by “selfish” (twicecookedhalfbaked.com)
- If You Live Alone, Have You Made a Virtue of Selfishness? (psychologytoday.com)
- Kids having Kids, pt. 2 (rouschel.wordpress.com)
- Three Ways To Screw Up Your Kid (happychildrenandfamilies.com)
- Census trend of couples not having children just plain selfish (fullcomment.nationalpost.com)
- New studies link gene to selfish behavior in kids, find other children natural givers (medicalxpress.com)
- How selfish is too selfish and why do some of us miss the bride gene? (demetkaratas.wordpress.com)
- The Costs of Having Children (aptusinsurance.com)
You ping backed my blog for a reason. Are you trying to obtain readers? Well, that’s neither here nor there so that I have been bee brought here, I must say that is quite interesting to say that least.
I respect those who make the choice to not have children, but I cannot understand where you get off telling people that they regret having kids. I have children and they are MY reason for living. A parent who wished they could “kill” (literally) their child should be killed themselves.
Why is it so hard to believe that there are parents out there who enjoy their children? I find you quite delusional if you believe otherwise. Perhaps you could share this post with a parent who has lost a child to. . .Cancer maybe? I’m sure they would give their lives to trade places with the ungrateful parents that have nothing else better to do then sit around complaining how they “regret” their children. Maybe you can ping back superty.org, rememberingreilly.wordpress.com or rockstarronan.com? (While you’re there, please make a donation. Childhood Cancer is severely under-funded and there are those parents that actually wish their children live.) Perhaps that may just be the wake-call these ungrateful parents need. I’m just saying. . .
For those parents who just “can’t handle” being a parent? My advice to you is GROW UP! I ran a 24/7/365 business for years and never once regretted having my children! You made the decision to have kids and if you thought it wasn’t a full-time job you were nuts from the get-go. So please, stop the pity party and be thankful you have HEALTHY children! There are parents out there who weren’t as fortunate.
You made your bed, now sleep in it, and make it in the morning, do laundry, cook, clean, help with homework, deal with the temper tantrums, and enjoy every smile and precious moment that you have. So sad there are parents who feel this way. I sit here and shake my head. . .
Wow…. I was with you until you said parents that regretted it should “grow up” … You don’t know everyone’s situation. I DO love my daughter, but yes, I would have preferred not to have children, and she was an accident that I got guilted into because everyone told me I’d regret abortion/adoption. Fortunately, being a mom isn’t so bad, but yes, if I could go back and do it again, I would go back to my life of sleeping in, visiting art museums, less responsibility… That made ME happy. You should not judge others on what makes them happy, especially if they are still fulfilling all parental duties and giving their child affection and financially providing for them. Regretting parenthood does not necessarily mean that I want to “kill” my child. It means that knowing what I do of the demands and fully understanding the impact on my own life, that if I had a time machine and go back, I WOULD make a different decision because the “pros” don’t always outweigh the cons for me.
Just like you told him that he can’t assume everyone regrets their children, you should be ashamed of yourself for assuming that parenting brings everyone the same joy it brings you… plus you have no idea what kind of mental problems caused by genetics some of these children could have that also stress the parents out. As long as I do my job and take care of my daughter, I shouldn’t have to be judged because in a fantasy world somewhere I wouldn’t have kids and I’d travel around Paris and live my life hunky dory….
You asked the original blogger not to judge others… and then did it in your own post. Hypocrite!
There is a way to avoid having children, its called birth control or abstinence. As far as regretting your children, that is a damn shame. There is nothing wrong with people who don’t want to have kids, but if you have kids and reget them that just is terrible. Your basically saying that your life is would have been better if your kids weren’t in it! Yes, children are difficult, but that is part of being a parent. You made that choice. You say that you were guilt tripped into having your child. Well, that was YOUR choice! You chose to have a child. No one should be able to guilt trip someone into having a child and if that was the case for you then maybe you shouldn’t have been having sex if you weren’t able to fully make a decision on your own.
As far as the post, I was tagged in it so I thought it was directed at me, my life and my blog. So therefore, I responded.
There’s nothing wrong with being honest. People make choices in their lives that they cannot undo. If you think every single parent should be (or are) happy to have kids, then you’re delusion.
For whatever reason, one of the lines people tell me when I say I do not want children is “oh you’ll feel differently once you have kids.” I tell them “once you have children, they’re yours… forever. No refunds. No exchanges.” Apparently that still isn’t enough to satisfy their urge to tell me how I should live my life.
It’s difficult standing up to friends, family, coworkers, and even strangers… in telling them that I have made a conscientious decisions that I do not want children. I will probably end up cutting people out of my life if they cannot accept the fact that I do not want children.
People make choices. Some make bad or wrong choices. Some are pressured into making certain choices. There’s NOTHING wrong with admitting that parenting was a wrong choice. It doesn’t mean the parent love their child any less.
Ariella protests a little too much… I think she probably regrets her children now and then and lashes out at anyone with the guts to speak the truth. Get over yourself supermommy.
Sorry, but accidents happen. Condoms break. Some people (rare, but it happens) get pregnant while on the pill. And frankly, abstinence, in my opinion, is a bad idea. It wasn’t Ashlee’s choice to have a kid. It was, as she said, an accident. I think what SHOULD be acknowledged here is that, once it became apparent that this accident occurred, she did the right thing and stepped up. She admits to having given up what makes her happy for her kid. I think that’s what matters- she took what life gave her and dealt with it, sacrificed what she had to sacrifice, even if it made her life, YES, not as good for her as it would have been if she never had kids. That’s great that you don’t regret it, but don’t get down on people for being human and getting stuck in a shitty situation. At least she made the best of it and did what she had to do for her baby. Just another story that reminds me to get back on the pill and double up with a condom next time I have a boyfriend. I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to deal with the idea of having kids.
again, a true idiot.
Yikes! Simmer down! You’re a very scary person!
She’s not TELLING other people that they regret having kids. She’s pointing out where THEY THEMSELVES have said they regret having kids. And what does this post have to do with kids who have cancer or their parents? Oh, that’s right, nothing. Obviously every parent doesn’t share your lurrrve of parenting. So what?
I really think it is amazing that some are finaly saying the truth. Before being certain that I did not want kids, I was looking for answers and was really bothered by the fact that you can rarely get that kind of truth. Most parents are to ashamed to admit they regret having kids. But I think it would be great if people knew that it’s not that much fun. I know because my boyfriend has kids and we have them on weekends. I was gratefull to confirm my suspicions that having kids makes everything more complicated and less fun, Even children activities like the zoo would be more fun without kids. The constant need and battle for attention makes everything annoying. ALL the people I know who have children, cannot wait to put them to bed EVERY night and talk about how they can’t wait for their kids to be capable of doing so and so by them selves. Basically, they can’t wait for them to not be children anymore. I am not saying everyone hates having children. But the truth must be told. Good for you if you are happy with your kids but don’t you ever see people that you feel should not have kids? I think the most selfish thing one will ever do is to have a kid while not so sure you want one or because only your partner wants one. And I know this because, my mom thought having a kid would make her happy and my dad only had me because ofi my mom’s desires.He never hid that from my mom or me. Then he had to raise my alone when my mom realised that having a family is not like in the movies she killed her self. So, people should think really hard before bringing a new human in this world.
I have never understood why people feel it is selfish to choose not to have children. Nor have I ever understood why people insist those who choose to be child free will regret it later, or change their mind. As if most people come to this decision without much thought on it. I would bet that most people have thought out their choice to be child free far more than those who have children thought about the ramifications of having them.
Having a child in this society is much easier than not having one. After all look at all the nasty comments from those who have children towards those who have chosen not to. All because they have chosen a different life path than them. Why?
I have never wanted children, never. Even as a child I never fancied myself a mother. I also was never that ambitious careerwise so that can not be blamed. I also am not immature, I don’t party, I don’t blow all my money on nonsense, I don’t bury myself in a career to compensate, andi have never regretted not having children even tho I am soon to be 40 and have now ostensibly passed my logistical time frame of having them.
Something that really bothers me is all this talk about being lonely, or not having grandchildren, or dying alone, etc if you don’t have children. I find this sort of talk to be very offensive. It is as if these posters/people/parents are only having children so these children can fulfill an already outlined expectation. Does the child have no say? Not only are you expecting your child to take care of you in old age simply because you gave them life but you also expect them to be your friend and visit regularly so you aren’t lonely, and you expect them to also procreate so you can be a grandparent. Oh and you expect them to celebrate holidays with you regardless of their own choices in life.
Geez, I can’t imagine what it must be like to be a child of someone with those expectations of me. Expectations that only seem to end when my parent dies. Assuming they did so before I had those children they expected of me. Otherwise I am now stuck with being a parent simply because my parent wanted grandchildren because otherwise their life wouldn’t be fulfilled.
And I am selfish?
And I don’t want anyone to be confused about how I feel about children. I actually like children. And I think I would be a good mother as once I have made a choice I try to do. Y best by it. Oh ! And I am not an aunt to anyone as none of my siblings/ in laws have children either so that tired remark doesnt apply here. Thankfully for all of us our parents didn’t expect us to provide grandchildren for them so they could check off another of their life’s must haves.
And I have friends and family who have told me that if they could do it over they would not have had kids. Or even more common is they would have waited to have them which ironically seems to be an acceptable “feeling” in this society even tho if you think about it they are pretty much saying they regret having that particular child as that particular child wouldn’t exist except for that particular egg meeting that particular sperm at that particular moment.
So, if you have kids then fine. If you don’t, then fine. If you don’t want them, who cares? If you later change your mind, then that is your prerogative. And if you later regret the choice then that too is okay. As I said I suspect that happens more than people regret not having them as the choice to have children is much more acceptable in this society than not to.
That doesn’t mean you don’t love your kids, it just means you have the ability to reevaluate some facts and come to a different conclusion. Steadfastly sticking to your convictions even after being given facts that would otherwise change your mind just makes you stupid.
And if after given all the facts you would do it all over again then what business it is of yours if anyone else comes to a different conclusion?
Well said Childfree to Childless!!!
Awesome! I do find childfree-thinking people are suitable to be parents because they think and consider more before they came to make that decision. I am one of them, I have that biological clock ticking. Wanted to have a feel of having a baby and wonder how it will looks like when it is mine and my bf’s. But, my logical sense is stronger than the urge. I researched and looked around. Then, I realized I don’t want to lead that parenting lifestyle. It is not me. It is not about moving to a new stage in life. I don’t want my baby to suffer as it might has a selfish mother in the end because I was so sure what kind of person I am and clear about what I want in my life. It is not about being pregnant for 9 months and how great a mother is. It is about when you bring a new life into this world, you have to brought them up and educate them to be a better person and make the world a better place. After all these explanation, I still get that ‘you will change when you get older’ or ‘when you have your own it is different’ bullshit. Why we start to be defensive because they are so insisted on we will change our mind later on. It is just so hard to make them understand where we childfree-thinking people are coming from. They will never respect our thoughts. It is just like what were mentioned here, “Having a child in this society is much easier than not having one. ” – Quoted from Childfree to Childless. Because it is natural to want to have kids.
Generally, childfree-thinking people respect those with children but get all that filthy stare at us as if we are aliens whenever we voice out our opinions. It feels like they are running away from the ugly truth stated by us. It has become an expected reaction from those people who think everyone should/will have baby. I have some rude kid experience but that’s okay because it’s a kid. The parents are what makes the whole experience turned from worse to horrible. I do know some great mothers who love their lives and their kid. Best part of it, they respect my thoughts and decision; and I respect them for being great parents. So, I just want to urge the people who see themselves having kids in the future to be wise and think twice. Be considerate and learn to respect others and your own kid. Your kid will have his/her own life later on. Don’t pressurize him/her with what you couldn’t achieve. I don’t believe in give and take in parenting also the balance between career and parenting especially mother. Because educating is a lifelong journey when you have baby. If you can’t do all these, I suggest you not to have any baby. I am sure that I can’t so I choose not to have. If you think you can, keep it up and I wish you the very best and cheers for great parents in the 21st century. =)
I can relate to everything you have said here except few things..but that does not matter. I have been trying to find reasons to justify why I don’t have kids when I am also fast approaching 40s. I don’t have a career exactly..it’s just a job. I don’t have a busy social life..don’t like drinking and clubbing..nor do I travel every year to some distant dreamy land. So really I do find it hard to explain first to my self and then to others why I don’t have a child or children in my life. Apart from the fact that me and my husband have medical problems but they are not insurmountable ..if we really wanted to have a kid we could definitely take help from modern medicine and conceive..yet here we are…not sure why the reasons that are enough for others to plan family are not enough for us!!
My god. You sound so, so, so ignorant. All I read is somebody who has not experienced a better life and so cannot fathom the opinion of the original poster. It’s sad to know that you’re so wrong, because I wish having a kid wouldn’t be such a horrible thing, but my god you are.
I think there is nothing wrong in saying that you regret having a child instead of holding up an illustration that having children is all peaches and cream. It might take bravery to admit if but at least you are lying to yourself just to make yourself feel better.
I think this is the exact thing he is talking about. I once posted something on facebook about how I can’t stand children so I wrote something to the effect of, “Ya know, as selfish as it sounds, I’m here for me. I’m dying BY MYSELF because it’s literally impossible to die ‘with someone’. I’m here to achieve shit…not make someone else achieve shit.”
In response I got this, “HOW DARE YOU!? I have kids and they are the greatest thing that ever happened to me. Yeah, it’s hard raising them sometimes but the joy and love I feel knowing that they exist is something you’ll never understand.”
Ya know what was funny about her response to my fucking post on facebook? The fact that I could hear her crying. I obviously hit a nerve somewhere.
wow, you are a real, bona fide, true, hedonistic idiot
Let me look after your little one whilst you feel like this’ believe me, if you have a little rest bite, you will be fine ,., and love your baby so much more,., go out for a meal , just chill we all need it x
And while I am here, maybe I suggest a post on the lack of funding for Childhood Cancer??? That is a controversial topic that is actually worth reading. . .
Where’s the controversy in that? Is there anyone seriously taking the position that we’re putting too much money into supporting kids with cancers?
Actually, I’ve thought of a way to make it controversial. Thanks for the story idea, Ariella. You seem to take issue with pingbacks, so I won’t link you in the story, but i’ll email you a link if you like and you can give your opinion.
James,
I don’t take issues with pingbacks at all, but when you do a post about people not liking children and wanting to literally kill their kids. . .then pingback my blog early in the am before I have had ANY coffee? Yes, I took offense to that! I don’t think that there is anything related on my blog to the dislike of children. Now the dislike of cheating men and killing them? Now thats another story.
Perhaps you will pingback my blog if you do a post on Childhood Cancer and the great lack of funding it receives. Why not an article about how we go “pink” in October, but not “gold” in September. September is Childhood Cancer Awareness month, but I bet many of your readers do not know this. Why has the NFL yet to go gold? Why do we not care about these children who are suffering and dying?
I am in no way saying that October should not be all about breast cancer. What I am saying is, we need to spread awareness to Pediatric Cancer!
Ariella: Related Articles are auto-selected by the blogging engine according to the blogging engine’s algorithms that determine relevance. If that fails to predict a relevant article, so be it. As for taking offence at pingbacks which you absolutely HAVE to drop everything to come and read, well, you’re welcome. Welcome to Intentious. I love that I caused you such irritation and offence at what is clearly an illegal use of the free and public Internet. You’re clearly a very relaxed parent.
Far from a relaxed parent. . .I worry about my children all the time which is clearly a sign of a concerned parent.
I love my children to distraction, and I worry about them all the time, but that still doesn’t mean I don’t regret having them. If I had my time back again I wouldn’t have them. And by the way I don’t believe you ever ran a business 24/7/365 – that’s physically impossible.
I owned a bail bonds company which was open 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. 365 days a year. I was the owner, therefore my phone would ring all hours of the night, my staff or clients would call me anytime. Where I live, people can get bailed out 24/7/365.
I mean seriously, did you actually think that I worked 24/7/365 for years without sleep. I mean please, I can’t even believe I have entertained this with an answer. . .
And just because you regret having children, does not mean everyone else does. I for one have no regrets. . .
I wonder if your children are as pleasant as you obviously are?!
I have great kids thank you and yes they are pleasant. But really come on now, that was a stupid comment you posted about working.
You should have worded it differently! You were available 24/7, not actually working. Anyway that’s irrelevant. You have implied that anyone who regrets having children isn’t a good mother which isn’t correct. Regretting having children isn’t the same as hating them or neglecting them. I would do anything for my children but that doesn’t mean that I wouldn’t do things differently if I had my time again.
If her children are anything like her, I feel quite sorry for them! Lack of empathy and extreme hypocrisy… “Don’t judge others! (insert judgemental comments here about how others need to grow up because parenting was a difficult job for them, assumes that makes them a horrible person)”
Reeeeeal pleasant…
Apparently Ariella is very narrow minded. In her little world, there are only one correct point of view: hers.
And owning a company that is open 24/7 is not the equivalent of working 24/7. I hope she understands the difference.
Exactly the point of the article… It’s OK to proudly announce you don’t regret having kids, but when someone says they do, they get an unequal and often judgemental reaction.
who cared for your kids in the middle of the night when you got called in to work? i’m wondering how that person feels….
Or a mental case and/or sanctimommy
James,
Did you know that out all all the money used to fund cancer research only 3% goes to Childhood Cancer?
Facts:
-One in every 330 Americans develops cancer before the age of twenty.
-On the average, 36 children and adolescents are diagnosed with cancer everyday in the United States.
-On the average, one in every four elementary schools has a child with cancer. The average high school has two students who are current or former cancer patients.
-Cancer is the leading cause of death by disease in children under the age of 15 in the United States.
-Childhood cancers affect more potential patient-years of life than any other cancer except breast and lung cancer.
-The causes of most childhood cancers are unknown. At present, childhood cancer cannot be prevented.
-Childhood cancer occurs regularly, randomly and spares no ethnic group, socioeconomic class, or geographic region. In the United States, the incidence of cancer among adolescents and young adults is increasing at a greater rate than any other age group, except those over 65 years.
-Despite these facts, childhood cancer research is vastly and consistently underfunded.
http://www.alexslemonade.org
Im sure you will be able to find a lot of controversy in that!
Not to sound heartless but isnt paying for the childs healthcare, the responsibility of the parents? I mean if you chose to have children, choose to take care of them yourself! Im a mother and i sure dont expect anyone else to take care of my child or provide for my child except me, myself and I! My husband too but if i wasnt happily married, i wouldnt expect someone else to take care of MY Responsibility.
Just playing devils advocate here but I think the way modernism/liberalism has taken over society means children have so much more to bitch and moan about… let’s take for example technology. When I was a kid we had bikes, climbing frames and clunky toys… today you have consoles, internet, phones that are mini computers etc etc, so to be fair I think on a worldwide scale we’ve spoilt our kids. I’d like to do a test to see how various families get on in two different situations. Say a community of families with modern gadgets and a community of families with no modern gadgets and less communication. I would put a large sum of money on the kids of the less gadgety family are much easier to raise… but that’s all just speculation.
Good article btw.
Children hate it when their parents have more children because they feel the love, affection and attention now have to divided up amongst increasing numbers of competitors. Consider that the life of a child is the life of a welfare recipient and children don’t grow up voluntarily, they do so only because they are forced to.
Well now we have a welfare state so you can move out of home and move into the socialist government’s commune and mooch off everyone who actually works.
I believe the reason why many people don’t become parents is because they are still psychologically children and fear dividing the love, affection and attention they get from their partner with their children. They haven’t got the vision to realise that their children are an investment into their future that if handled properly ensures that you will have plently of love, affection and attention in your old age.
“I believe the reason why many people don’t become parents is because they are still psychologically children and fear dividing the love, affection and attention they get from their partner with their children. They haven’t got the vision to realise that their children are an investment into their future that if handled properly ensures that you will have plently of love, affection and attention in your old age.”
Fantastic point. No doubt people have a variety of motives for having children, some of them certainly selfish, but the push to remain childless for life is to remain in a permanent state of adolescence: all fun and no responsibility. It’s impossible to remain that way, of course. Real life Peter Pans, refusing to grow up, look pretty old and creepy past the age of 35. You’ll be a pariah at the clubs, and the joy of expensive dinners in fancy restaurants will lose its allure when you’re pushing 60 and spending the holiday seasons alone. I wouldn’t force children on unwilling people, but there’s pain no matter what road you choose to take in life.
There’s no surer sign that our society is doomed than the obvious fact that we’ve lost the will and the ability to create and raise the next generation of children. This is how the west ends: not with a bang, but with millions of whimpers. Grown men and women with no legacy to pass on, but very strong opinions about videogames.
I don’t know anything about video games. I don’t go to bars or clubs. We don’t eat out at fancy restaurants or take vacations very often. What we do have is a peaceful home, which is more of a joy than you can ever imagine after a chaotic childhood and having to grow up a lot faster than any of my peers because I was totally on my own at 18. Things are not not always what you think they are. Quite frankly, my parents had no business being married or having kids.
“Fantastic point. No doubt people have a variety of motives for having children, some of them certainly selfish, but the push to remain childless for life is to remain in a permanent state of adolescence: all fun and no responsibility. It’s impossible to remain that way, of course. Real life Peter Pans, refusing to grow up, look pretty old and creepy past the age of 35. You’ll be a pariah at the clubs, and the joy of expensive dinners in fancy restaurants will lose its allure when you’re pushing 60 and spending the holiday seasons alone. I wouldn’t force children on unwilling people, but there’s pain no matter what road you choose to take in life.
There’s no surer sign that our society is doomed than the obvious fact that we’ve lost the will and the ability to create and raise the next generation of children. This is how the west ends: not with a bang, but with millions of whimpers. Grown men and women with no legacy to pass on, but very strong opinions about videogames.”
Are you serious? Because I don’t have kids leaves me in a “permanent state of adolescence” I’m a “Real life Peter Pan” The most famous Peter Pan in our society was Michael Jackson. He had kids. So what. Having kids doesn’t automatically make you an adult. I’ve seen plenty of people who have kids and they act like Babies!
Now, going to work everyday, paying your bills on time, treating others with respect, not throwing temper tantrums because you didn’t get your way. These are “signs” of adulthood. Having kids just means you have kids. That’s it. Maybe you’ve grown up because of it, maybe you haven’t.
You actually quoted my reply to you already:
“No doubt people have a variety of motives for having children, some of them certainly selfish, but the push to remain childless for life is to remain in a permanent state of adolescence: all fun and no responsibility”
Yes, people that have children can be immature and useless. But, the people that choose to not have children specifically to maintain the lifestyle they had in their teens and twenties are exhibiting signs of emotional immaturity.
It’s no different than people that live with their parents well into their thirties: getting a place of your own doesn’t necessarily mean you’ve developed the responsibility that goes along with it, but deliberately avoiding moving out is something people do because they’re not ready to surrender aspects of the lifestyle they had as children; namely: having a parent or carer to take care of day to day household tasks .
I’m curious. In your opinion, is there any way to indicate one’s maturity aside from procreating?
You’re not curious enough to read through all my comments, it seems.The act of having kids in itself isn’t evidence that a person is mature, there are plenty of other qualities a person needs to have to be considered mature. Refusing to have kids because you’ve really enjoyed college and you’d like to keep living the college lifestyle once that time in your life is long since gone is…pretty good evidence that you’re trying to maintain an emotionally stunted state of mind.
You’re right, I’m not curious enough to sift through every post one might make in a long thread like this, but I am curious enough to try and engage you in a little conversation on the subject!
I appreciate your reply, but that’s not really what I was asking. I understand that you have outlined what you feel is NOT a sign of maturity. But what IS?
I just wrote up a lengthy response to your question, but it appears that wordpress might have eaten it. Forgive me if you see a double post of the same content.
Obviously, “maturity” is a somewhat subjective term and everyone will have a slightly different definition of it, but here are some milestones I believe are indicative that someone has matured from adolescence and is now a mature, fully contributing member of a western society:
- They have achieved financial indepedence from their parents/caregivers. This includes being able to pay their own bills and (for western cultures) occupying a home that isn’t lived in and maintained by their parents
- Have settled upon a career or vocation and have taken tangible steps along that path. This includes things like graduating university, completing apprenticeships, starting a small business, or starting a full time job
- Entered into a monogamous, committed relationship and– if biologically possible– started having a family.
- Begun contributing to their community. This could include volunteering, donating money to causes, or merely helping out their neighbours
Beyond that, it gets harder and harder to define “maturity.” You cannot peer into another person’s soul and there will be many people that have achieved some, or all, of these milestones without attaining any real insights or growing in any way. However, an absence of these milestones in an adult’s life can also tell you something about their character
Fair response! I find I tend to agree; most of those are indications I’d look for, too.
How do you feel about folks who have some, but not all, of those ‘milestones’ completed? For example, if someone is living in their own place, paying their bills, and acting as a responsible (single) parent of one or more children but has never married, would you consider that likely to be indicative of a lack of maturity in any way?
Would it be different if someone was a stay-at-home spouse, who completed only required schooling and never had a job, but who fills their time volunteering for their church?
I’m sure you see where I’m going with this.
While I think your conditions that indicate maturity are very well thought-out and I certainly agree with them in general, I think that there are an awful lot of exceptions to the rule, and that it would be terribly limiting to say that someone has to meet every one of those requirements before you can call them truly grown. And I think that, in the same way you could consider a stay-at-home mom to be a mature adult, it’s completely fair to consider a woman without any kids to also be a mature adult.
I’ve certainly met a few people who I suspect have not had children because they are still stuck in a kind of childhood themselves (and the book “Rejuvenile” is an interesting exploration of such folks). They sure do exist!
But at the same time, I know so many people who meet every requirement for maturity you’ve outlined – except for procreation. Friends with great careers, good educations, beautiful homes in the city or the suburbs, loving extended families and happy marriages, who care about contributing to their community. They just don’t have kids at home.
I think it’s a shame that many folks, perhaps yourself included, equate not having children with *being* children. I think the world is far more diverse than that, and that there are all sorts of different ways a mature adult might decide to live their life.
You, my friend, made my gut hurt this morning from laughing so hard.
Please look up child abuse statistics and the foster system if you believe everybody should have kids.
Being childfree doesn’t make someone psychotic, of course, but I’m willing to bet there are a number of abusive parents who wanted kids. If they would’ve remained immature for life if they didn’t have kids? Interesting. Let me go get my friend who’s moving to another country to get away from her abusive mother and ask her what she thinks.
To James Hill – You’re such an ignorant idiot. Not every childless adult goes clubbing, have lavish dinners and spend holidays alone. I’ve stopped going clubbing after my early/mid twenties. I don’t constantly have lavish dinners. And if I did, so what? Also, I have family members (quite a large one for that matter, with countless aunts/uncles, siblings, cousins, parents, nephew, niece, brother-in-laws, sister-in-laws, grandparents, parents, second cousins, etc.) and friends I spend holidays with.
You have such a narrow mind that I wonder if you live under a rock and have never gotten an education.
These are a lot of angry words to justify your lifestyle. The personal attacks are a nice touch too, certainly the hallmark of an overly emotional, immature mindset. Thanks for proving my point
Actually, I’ve expressed an opinion regarding your intelligence and logic (or lack thereof). Choosing to be childless does not mean that I will be alone during the holidays. Choosing to be childless does not mean that my parents, aunts, uncles, grandparents, in-laws, siblings, cousins, etc. will all disappear or cease to exist.
And to reiterate what other posters have said, having a child does not make someone mature. Not having a child does not automatically mean someone is immature.
Yes, you do have a narrow mind if you cannot grasp these concepts… Or stupid. Take your pick.
Oh, you’re going to be the “cool aunty” that haunts family events and tries to buy love with lavish gifts. In 30-40 years I’m sure your nephews and nieces– who will have families of their own– will be of great comfort to you. Those christmas cards you receive every other year will be just as good as real interaction with children you’ve raised and nurtured yourself.
First of all, I do not celebrate Christmas. Second of all, why do you assume that I would try to buy someone’s love? Third of all, I do not need to birth, “raise and nurture children” to live a happy, fulfilled life and to be loved in return.
If you want children. Then you have them.
I don’t want children. So, I won’t have children. And guess what? I am happy with my choice. And you’re happy with your choice.
I’m flattered, but I don’t understand why you care so much whether I have children or not. I will take it as a compliment that you think I would be a great parent. Thanks!
Touche’!
I find it rather silly that you seem to think the only relationship that could possibly be fulfilling is the one between a parent and their child. Personally, I find relationships to be more fulfilling when I choose the people I associate with based on their merits as human beings rather than the fact that they share some DNA with me. Extended family aside, you don’t think you could be perfectly happy spending your holidays, etc with the person you decided was so great you wanted to spend the rest of your life with them?
I hope you’re just trolling because you are a total jerk for pinning these labels on people you know nothing about…. Who the hell do you think you are??? Here’s a scenario for you…. Am I immature????
I have had four miscarriages in the last two years…. Have gone through years of trying to figure out why I can’t keep my babies past 6 to 10 weeks… I have had multiple doctors tell me there is no answer for the why. I was even sent to an encologist for fear that I may have cancer on top of the devastating losses… I am tired of going through this and can barely pick myself off the floor after such loss and dissapointment. my husband and I decided that we do not want to go through the pain and uncertainty of fertitlity treatment and frankly can’t afford it or adoption. We have decided to accept our infertility and chose not to be parents.
Is that immature???? If you have some sort of smart ass rebuttle to this…. You’re have no heart.
My husband and I cannot have kids. We are almost 50 (we don’t look our age). People continue to tell us that we can adopt. I am SO TIRED of people inferring that our lives are not good because we did not procreate. I am tired of people making judgment calls on childess couples. I just want to post that parents should THINK BEFORE SPEAKING re what they think a perfect life would be. There is no rule book stating that if you want to be happy, have kids like us. Could people show a little consideration before opening their mouths?
You actually sound kind of immature, or at least not very worldly. I have not had a family as I have had to deal with serious illness for much of my adult life, so being a parent in addition to taking care of myself, keeping a roof over my head and supporting my own parents would be too much for me. I try to stay positive and help family and my community when I can. There are plenty of people like me, or variations of me. Facing adversity, and perhaps being judged for not doing the norm, actually builds character and builds maturity, as much as more than having a family and the white picket fence. And a lot of the reasons people don’t have kids goes much deeper than you might imagine, from illness to hardship to difficult childhoods. It’s not about having a life like you’re in college — and even if it is, everyone, with children or not, makes decisions about what is the best lifestyle for them. Don’t be so judgmental. Grow up and realize everyone’s circumstances are different. You don’t know why or why not people decide to have kids and it’s none of your business. And of course, the world doesn’t need more people – I’m impressed by people who choose not to have children for concern for the environment/overpopulation.
The decision to not have a child does not mean that one is permanently emotionally or psychologically stunted, as you the above idiot have suggested. Again, the stigma of being considered selfish because I don’t want a child rears its ugly head. The world is so coming into the modern age of being able to accept people who are of the same sex and choose to marry, but not so modern when it comes to other peoples’ decisions to not be in a heterosexual marriage with children. I am not going to be lonely at 60, eating in a restaurant, I have nieces, nephews, cousins, I have friends. To imply that those of us who choose to not do something other people do with their lives, are psychologically messed up, permanently adolescents, selfish, ignorant, etc. is as narrow minded, selfish, ignorant and acting like a cliquish name calling teenager themselves. Why don’t you join the religious right wing and declare homosexual marriage a societal ruin as well? See, now how stupid you sound?
I was actually thinking about this recently. Well.. something along these lines at any rate. It amazes me the lengths to which many of my friends go to simply please the passing desires of their children. I don’t remember it being like this when I was growing up. My single mother worked hard to put food on the table, never once regretted having us, but didn’t waste her hard earned money, precious time and energy, nor her sanity by giving into our passing follies. She set down strict rules and guidelines, which taught me many things as an adult – like how to work hard to get what you need, how to pay for what you need before you buy what you want, and how to actually care about what you are doing and find ways to improve upon it. So many of the younger generation seem to expect people to do things for them, automatically accept their viewpoints without question, or even to provide for them well into their adulthood for no apparent reason. I guess I am just getting old. Or maybe this whole helicopter parent thing is finally coming to a crest – their children are not growing up well because that is not how the real world functions. Welcome to reality!
I don’t know what your life was like growing up, but I’ve heard friends echo similar sentiments in recent years. Except… we all had videogames growing up. We had birthday parties and our parents took us to Karate or cricket or whatever every weekend. We raised hell as teenagers and challenged our parents every chance we got.
Here’s what Socrates said about the youth of his day:
“Our youth now love luxury. They have bad manners, contempt for authority; they show disrespect for their elders and love chatter in place of exercise; they no longer rise when elders enter the room; they contradict their parents, chatter before company; gobble up their food and tyrannize their teachers.”
He wrote that thousands of years ago.
I think there’s a tendency for us as adults to romanticize our youth. We overestimate the amount of discipline we got, and gloss over the indulgences we received because– at the time– they seemed like something we were entitled to. That’s not to say that there aren’t valid points to be made about the modern style of parenting and the effect it has on kids. But it’s important to temper those observations with the understanding that kids are still developing, and it takes a long time to grow out of selfish thinking and impulsive behaviour.
I think it is fascinating that Socrates wrote that thousands of years ago. I think it shows that things work in a cyclical manner. I wonder if at some time cavemen past were upset with the cultural progression of their youth and vented by drawing on the walls about their “rebellion”. Haha. Different perceptions will see things differently, I suppose.
I don’t feel that I romanticize my childhood. It would honestly be difficult to do so. However, now that I am an adult I am able to compare my observations from growing up against what I see now. I realize that some of these observations were created while I was developing, but they can be used in my now more mature mind.
The way I was taught to behave does not only apply to a difference in time, but also a difference in socioeconomic and religious status in comparison to those around me.
I see children that behave well and am pleased by their laughter. Still, overall.. I notice changes in our current culture about adults and children alike that make me.. glad to not have children. And some changes I have just noticed in the past few years. I don’t think of young kids as sniveling, rotten, etc. I have taken a lot of time to weigh the facts and possibilities. I deal with the biological clock. It’s not fun.
I’m not shouting in freedom. I’m not acting rashly based on a sense of entitlement fueled with adrenaline. I’m making a weighted, logical decision based on my perceptions of the way the world around me is changing. It isn’t good. I don’t like it. I won’t do it.
I think it’s important to understand that many people growing up in the last twenty years or so in the west have grown up in an inconceivably wealthy and safe society. It’s very natural for children to assume the circumstances they were born into are “normal” and are the way things have always been. They take ipads and xboxes for granted the same way we all take shelter and clean drinking water for granted: it’s just a feature of their every day lives.
And to someone for whom those things aren’t an every day part of life, or they had to work hard to achieve, it’s galling to see someone act so flippantly towards such privileges. However, being grateful for such things is something children have to learn. It’s the duty of parents, and society at large to instill in the next generation an appreciation for what they’ve been given, but it’s something that takes many years of development.
I think that it is a wonderful decision not to have kids. Married friends of mine with kids really respect the choice of people not to have children because they know the incredible amount of work involved in rearing them. People can have a fabulous life without the constant stress, worry, demands etc etc that children bring from the age of 0 to 60! Of course they bring joy also but I think that the effort put in to rearing them outweighs this. You’re never done!
Not everyone who is childless at 60 feels they are missing out. Many of that age with grown up kids never see them anyway especially if they live in another continent. Children can bite the hand that feeds them. Parenthood is a thankless task at times and without a doubt, the hardest job there is. If your kids make a bad marriage partner choice you have to bail them out by in some cases helping to raise the traumatised grandkids post divorce etc.Parents can be very selfish and demanding on their kids too. Also there is no guarantee that your kids will outlive you!
Childless people at 60 may have siblings and friends that they can share the holiday season with or even elderly parents. Not to mind fabulous nieces and nephews. Also there are some great holidays for those who would like to get some sun etc at yuletide. Voluntary organisation would love help also. What you never had you never missed and it’s way way harder now to raise kids than it ever was.
For those of you who are 100% in their desire to have kids, good for you! Be the best parent you can be. For those who genuinely do not want kids, that’s fine. Enjoy your life. Live in the present. Have a blast and you have more disposable income for great holidays, meals out etc. Enjoy spending time in the company of other people’s kids if you wish.
Lots of people who don’t want kids do actually love other peoples .. but can hand them back!
Happy Christmas to all!
Oh, i feel so relieved that someone feels so strongly about not having children as much as I do. I always thought that it would come to me but I just realize i don’t want it even more and more.
i don’t judge the people who want to have kids or who love their kids, but I just wish they wouldn’t judge me too.
I don’t like children, when anyone asks why I tell them “because I have one”. He made it impossible to love him after a while. I was a good mother, I’m a good kind person but my son, for whatever reason was like Satan. My no meant no and my yes meant yes. I tried all of the positive reinforcement tricks; you name it. After he grew up to use and abuse my parents I had enough. Just hearing a screaming, whining brat makes my stomach turn. There should be adult protective services for some of us abused parents who have no rights against their children who end up lying and using the system against adults just to get their way.
Okay, I came across this article while searching about vasectomies.
Anyways, I feel I can offer some insight. I have one child, but spent my life wanting to be childless. Ever since I was a kid I said I would never have children. I now have a 4 year old boy (accidental pregnancy), so I can see things from both points of view.
First of all, I remember thinking about how selfish is it to have kids. Wondering why have a child? Why bring another person into this world? Well…as far as nature goes reproducing is our one biological purpose. To carry on our DNA. I always knew that, but after having a kid it really clicked. Yes, the sole reasons human reproduce is because we are designed to enjoy sex and love our kids. Believe me, kids are a ton of work, but that’s were the love comes in. My son was a very difficult baby and between breastfeeding and him not sleeping, the first year was very hard. Love kept me going and I would not hesitate to do it again for him.
Humans are imperfect. We get frustrated with our kids, we feel overwhelmed at times, sometimes we wonder what it would be like if we didn’t have them, but no mentally well, sane person would ever wish death upon their children or threaten to kill them. Posting that quoted rant didn’t help your article out any since it is clear that mother is unfit and not the norm.
I too remember thinking parents were delusional. That they secretly hated parenting and were envious of my husband and I having more money and freedom. Now I see that is absolutely not the case. I gave up a high paying career to stay at home with my son and I miss it very much, but I do not regret it at all. Even in my darkest of moments when I am exhausted beyond belief I do not regret my son. Sometimes I miss life before him, but that’s human nature to miss the past sometimes. If I could go back to the day he was conceived and make it not have happened, I absolutey would not. I would not change anything about my life right now and being a parent. It’s not what I wanted in my life, but it really is better than any career. Yes, being a stay at home mom is much more fulfilling that my 96k a year job was. There, I said it. I remember being told the same thing by other mothers and rolling my eyes thinking they were liars, but the truth is, having a kid changes you. I see now that wanting to live my life on my own terms was selfish. Giving life is anything but.
Parents who hate or regret their kids doesn’t prove anything because that is absolutely not the norm. When a parent is overwhelmed by their children that doesn’t mean they hate being parents, it means they are human. We get frustrated with the people we love, that’s life and it doesn’t mean we regret having those people in our lives.
I love my little boy more than anything and now I pity anyone who doesn’t have a child and will never understand that love, because nothing compares. The love you feel for anyone else in this world is mild compared to what (most) parents feel for their children. I argued that one too but it really is something you can’t possibly grasp until you experience it yourself. I love my family, my husband, and would be crushed if anything happened to one of them, but my son…I would trade everyone else I love in to save him. I would go through hell for that kid. There is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do for him. The love is so strong that is is terrifying at times. Which is why we are stopping at one. As great as he is I think it is frightening to love someone so much. All the worry and fears I have for him…I can’t imagine doing it again. I don’t want to love anyone else this much again.
I love my husband much more after having his child. There is a bond in that you cannot understand unless it happens to you .
I do sometimes think that it was wrong of me to bring a child into this cruel world, and I hate knowing all the bad things that this life can possibly bring him. But I never regret him, and believe me, he is a difficult child at best a lot of times.
I came very close to aborting him when I found out I was pregnant. We were so careful. It happened anyways. I still cry when I think what if I did go through with abortion and missed out knowing and loving him. (Side note, I’m still very pro-choice).
People do love their kids and wanting to believe otherwise is delusional on your part. There is no shame in remainding childless, there are many reasons not to reproduce. No one owes anyone an explination as to how many children you do or do not have. It’s okay to live the childless life you want, but tolerance and acceptance goes both ways. Accept that most people find fulfillment in their children and love them more than life itself. That is a good thing, because in a world full of hate and violence, parental love is a very beautiful light admist the darkness of humanity.
“I pity anyone who doesn’t have a child and will never understand that love, because nothing compares.”
I thought your comment was great until you said this. Thank you for basically calling the love we have in our lives worthless.
I pity someone so close-minded. I’ve got a friend in an abusive family. “Nothing compares”, my foot! How lovely for you!
But Kaye, she’s right. I didn’t think so. No one gets it until you have a child. It is what your body is designed for, including all that sex we love to have. It is the point. without it you are missing something that is not really debatable. Having said that, there are a whole lot of people out there who should not have children. The level of selfishness and self-indulgence that has permeated our cutlure dictates in fact that most people are not capable of parenting without fear of hating their lives because they can no longer indulge their whims and fancies. It’s sad really, but I really think a huge swath of the middle class population of this planet have become unable to care for anyone other than themselves — it may take some sort of war or financial collapse to restore sanity..
I suggest stocking up on vibratrors Kaye – because once you hit 37 or so the pickings will be slim. I do wish you the best of luck though and am glad you have decided not to have kids – you clearly wouldn’t like it.
“a huge swath of the middle class population of this planet have become unable to care for anyone other than themselves — it may take some sort of war or financial collapse to restore sanity..”
Really? So people are insane because they do not want to have children? Having no desire for children does not make someone selfish. How do you know they don’t care for elders? How do you know they don’t care for animals?
Personally, I don’t like children. So why should I have them? It’s like I don’t like big sports utility vehicles. So, I don’t buy one. What’s the big deal? There will be plenty others who prefer them and will have them. The world will not come to an end.
did you not read what I wrote?
Well, my life doesn’t revolve around relationships and sex, so I’m fine. And you don’t tell me what my body is designed for! Screw you! My body is designed for what I want it to be designed for!
Not having children isn’t selfish. “Selfish” is abusive parent of the friend I mentioned, who done so much to my friend, she is moving to another country to get away from her household. Whether or not my friends wants children, I don’t know, but she is one of the most caring and considerate people I know. I wouldn’t dare call her selfish if she didn’t have kids, regardless of her reason. Hell, if she said she didn’t because she wanted to indulge herself, I’d tell her to knock herself out! She deserves to indulge herself after the hell she’s been through most of her life.
Lol @ most of you guys here! I have been a single mother to my 3 boys most of their lives. I lost their dad when I was really young. My compassion goes out to you with young children and I know it is extremely hard! Everything and anything will go through your head when it gets it’s hardest, but most never act upon it. It just that all the screaming, the house being torn apart and many things will make you feel like you are totally losing it sometimes. But the worst is yet to come! My boys are young adults, my youngest being 18. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children with all my heart, and know for a fact if it came down to it, I would die for them. If one of them is not cussing me, the other is treating me as if I shouldn’t exist! One or the. Other rips my heart right out of my chest at least 3 times a week! When they were stomping on my toes, that was a rough time to look back at, but just wait til they get you where it really hurts! Some people have to go get help to help them cope with raising children, I know I did! And it helps. But for those parents who say and claim it’s anywhere near a bed of roses is in denial and are very dillusional! “Leave It To Beaver” is a show only, and there are no Mrs Cleavers!!!!
And my compassion goes out to you for having to raise three boys without a father. I’m sure you did the best you could with what you had, but children have fathers for a reason, and when they are deprived of one, raising them becomes difficult at best. Hopefully at some point in their adulthood, they will come to terms more fully with their loss and then be able to more fully show appreciation for you, not because you were perfect, but because you were there. Until then, pray for them, and just know that you are not forgotten.
If I met my teenage daughter on the the street or a coffee shop I would walk away thinking she was the biggest asshole I ever met. Selfish, thuggish , unmotivated and self-entitled.
UGHHHHH!!!! What a bitch. Nature definately rules over nurture.
Your fault
By the way my other two are quite easy and courtious. However, my oldest can run anyone through the ringer. The vision was much different than the reality. Hang in there !!!!
I’m so fucking tired of people getting offensive because people say they doesn’t want children or they have a very hard time being a mother. For the fucking ones who’s says that don’t even know that parent situation, no, you just go on ahead and fucking bitch about how people like us are so selfish and that we the ones who made our own BED and just got to lay in it. Hell it makes me wonder if you’re so much of a person that love parenthood, well than why the hell are you even reading this blog. I swear…people.
And another thing, stop putting those little fucker’s all over your Facebook pages like it’s something cute. Sometimes people want to just look on their newsfeed without seeing a little ball of shit sitting on a bike or at a Birthday party of some crap.
This genuinely made me lol. “Sometimes people want to just look on their newsfeed without seeing a little ball of shit sitting on a bike or at a Birthday party”
Okay, you’ve convinced me: some people shouldn’t have children.
fuck children, this post rocks.fucking DREAM EATERS is all they are!
Wow. Great and honest article. Most of these commenters are morons crying about some butthurt.
James Hill just sounds like a bro with his “you can’t grow up without kiddddddds”.
Horseshit, yo. Lots of people *help their friends* raise children… and then get talked about as if she has nothing under her belt for all that.
I’ve got news for the self-important peeps. Your sprogs are not special.
And the woman talking about how she wanted to kill her MALE child? That’s because raising a boy in the patriarchy is bullshit. Just look at the misogynistic programming mothers of boys have to fight with. Boys are trained to hate all women, ‘specially mom.
Then when the little dude does statistically male things like shoot up a school and murder a string of hookers, MOM gets the blame. Frankly, mom is the arbiter of life. So if she wants to blow away the piece of shit her son turned out to be, I’ll look the other way.
So I’m considering having about a girl baby of my own someday. Or maybe no kids. Either way, I’ve been through some horrific shit in my life at the hands of the global elite, so yeah I’m all growed up even in this childless state.
What I will never, never, NEVER consider so long as we live in the P is having a male child. Anyway, there is a 60 million woman gap in the world due to the trafficking and killing of females. Gotta fill it in, because reeeeaaally take a look at societies in which males surpass females in number. It is UGLY. The War on Women will end fastest after a several women in the next few generations sway for only girl children or have no children.
The birth strike is already on the rise and it gives women more power in wartime than anything else.
Haven’t heard the word “sprog” for a few years, lol. Interesting comment you leave, though. Thanks for that.
I’m child free, in my 40s and surrounded by friends and family who have sort of ‘happily’ bred, but I never feel any pressure to join in, and thank god they never ask me to – they realise it would be cruel to the innocent children think. Plus I’m past it now. I am happy for those who have chosen to procreate and keep the population going, phew we nearly ran out there for a second, but they in turn should be happy for me to go out partying every night and using every penny I earn for a few of my fave charities and to spend the rest on shoes and booze. Who cares! They’ll die surrounded by smiling grandkids etc, I’ll die alone in a vodka haze and my cats will eat my face off. We’ll hopefully both be happy that we were able to make our own choices and die with no regrets.
This article is a home run! Thank you for being an advocate for those of us who choose not to have children. I am 35 and continually hear complaints from my mom friends regarding their childs behavior, habits and desire for more “me” time. I commend all parents out there, as it sounds very difficult to raise a child. As for me, the child free one, I will continue to relish sleeping in on my days off, spontaneous trips and my sanity.
I am 37 and living a happy fulfilled life with my husband WITHOUT children. I have never wanted children, but that is not to say I dislike them in fact I get on great with kids. Whether you chose to have children or choose to live your life without them is a personal choice, and with any choice there is the possibility of regret. I have spoken to friends who adore their children, but have some regrets about timing, career, dreams etc. I have also spoken to people who never wanted children, but then in later life questioned their decision. Don’t judge other based on your personal preference, just live and let live people!!
I don’t regret knowing them. They are amazing people in the process of growing up and it’s one of the most rewarding feelings to play a part in that. I value my relationship with them as individuals. (It bothers me a wee bit that you relate parenting to having pets…) BUT it is also, I believe, THE HARDEST thing you will ever go through if you decide to have kids. LIFE long commitment to a relationship, or several, with people who YOU made. YOU raised. You are responsible for their choices for 18 years and sometimes beyond. And you may or may not even like the people they turn out to be. I don’t blame anyone for not wanting to take on that amount of responsibility. It is insane. But I personally LOVE my kids. They are hilarious. It is a truly amazing life experience to watch a person start out from nothing and become whoever they are to become. If you don’t want to be a parent, I highly recommend getting involved with children at least once in your life. Kid’s have the best things to say.
BUT DAMN! It’s a hell of a lot of work! I do believe it keeps me young.
Most any choice you make in life, you undergo some amount of change. With change there is naturally a sense of loss. But more often then not, you find beyond your horizon things you never knew you’d have and are grateful for. It’s a mixed bag for sure. I had to mourn the things (time, certain experiences) that I said goodbye to on becoming a parent… But the new things I believe I would miss saying goodbye to much more.
I decided at age 12 that I wasn’t having children. While it is only almost seven years later, I highly doubt I will change my mind. I don’t disbelieve that parenting can be an incredibly rewarding experience for many, but for me, becoming a parent would be like skydiving from 100,000 feet without a parachute – inevitable end of everything. That’s not an exaggeration because I already know that parenthood would put me on the path to self-destruction, mentally and, eventually, physically as well. Thankfully, I figured that out early on.
I come from a family of many people who should NOT have had children and that includes my own parents. I have friends who, while I love them dearly, shouldn’t have been born in the circumstances they were (and yes, they agree with me on this; we talk about it a lot). They do plan to have children, but they are entirely respectful of my decision not to and I respect theirs and sincerely hope they get what they want.
I honestly don’t believe you can miss out on something you don’t want. And, truth be told, I had my fair share of child-rearing during all the times I was forced to babysit my sister, starting at age nine. No thanks! The part-time already had me going crazy. I don’t need to be suicidal.
When I was in the fifth grade, my girlfriend and I broke up because she wanted only to adopt, and I wanted “my own” children. Funny, huh? Five years later she was a mother.
When I was 21, I swore off women and marriage. As damaged as I felt, I wasn’t sure I could even take care of myself, much less a wife and children. But at 25 I was married, and at 32 I became a parent.
Things change. There’s nothing particularly wrong with choosing to be childless, any more than there’s anything particularly wrong with choosing to be celibate. But in doing so, you are choosing to ignore some compelling internal forces, especially as a woman, and 19 might be a little young to say never. Hormones, distance from your childhood, a little seasoning, and (ugh!) love might give you the courage and hope that you need for that decision later on.
Getting married, for me, felt like skydiving without a parachute, because there was no going back, and I knew I was woefully unprepared. In my wedding video, I look ashen. It still hurts to watch it. But that was twenty years ago, and while marriage is indeed the toughest job I’ll ever love, I believe I’m a better and happier man for it. Sometimes God is your parachute, and you can’t see that until you jump.
I recall the lyrics from the Amy Grant song “How Can We See That Far,” from her Heart In Motion album, which came out a year before my wedding:
We said our promises by candlelight
You held my hands, I was dressed in white
We were young
How can we see that far?
How can we see that far?
I knew I wanted you like no one else
I told my momma that I’d found myself
In your eyes
How can we see that far?
How can we see that far?
But like your daddy said
The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
And the mighty wind that knocks us down
If we lean into it
Will drive our fears away.
And when I woke up in the dead of night
To hold my hands, push away the fright
Life had come–a son
How can we see that far?
Yeah, we were nervous and a little scared
Until the music of our baby’s cry
Filled the air
How can we see that far?
But like your daddy said
The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
And the mighty wind that knocks us down
If we lean into it
Will drive our fears away.
We might die
We might live
We could hurt each other badly
Do things, things so hard to forgive
Ooooh, and if time is not our friend
Your mind might forget me before the end
And oh, I cannot
I cannot look that far.
But like your daddy said
How can we see that far?
The same sun that melts the wax can harden clay
And the same rain that drowns the rat will grow the hay
And the mighty wind that knocks us down
If we lean into it
How can we see that far?
Got to lean into it
Will drive our fears away
It’s the same sun, yeah
And the same rain
It’s the same sun
And the same rain.
Here’s the YouTube link: http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=e3_prpBm5LY
Anything can happen, Kaye. Life might surprise you, and you might surprise yourself, in the sweetest, and sometimes the bittersweetest, of ways. Just keep your heart and mind open, and know that you are loved by the One who made you. Children or not, I’d love to hear your thoughts at age 29.
A couple of things: I’m an atheist, so do not care about God. Second, if I can say “never” at 12 and continue to say it at 18 (19th birthday hasn’t arrived yet), I’m pretty sure ten years won’t make a difference. Marriage is something I’m on the fence about, but that’s a different subject altogether, really.
Yeah, anything can happen and not always for the better. Like I said, I figured out early that parenthood was not a good path for me and I am not taking such a plunge on the chance that I may have been wrong. I don’t do anything I don’t want to simply on the chance that I might like it after all.
And what “compelling, internal forces” are you talking about? The closest I have to a maternal instinct is loving my friends and wanting to kick anyone who hurts them. I have no desire to reproduce and I feel no urge to. How can I ignore what’s not there?
What you are and whether you care about God has no bearing on who He is and whether He cares about you. You’re entitled to your convictions; He’s entitled to His.
If I have to name those forces for you, Kaye, then discussing them with you would be pointless. I’m not predicting your future. I’m not discounting your past. I’m not suspecting your intellect. I’m just saying that at your age, about this subject, you might not even know what you don’t know.
When you were five, you had no breasts to ignore. But my guess is they arrived eventually, and when they did, you noticed. Apart from what the law might say, physiologically, you’re not fully baked yet. Time will tell what’s there to ignore, and what is not. Until then, declare all you want. I’m sure that whatever comes and goes, your passion will remain. That’s a good thing. Peace!
There’s no real sense in arguing with her, Brian. People are notoriously bad at judging how they’ll change, and they don’t get any better with age. More importantly, people are simply less mature now than previous years because we allow ourselves an extended adolescence. The world is full of women who adamantly didn’t want children right up until their thirties and then spend the dwindling years of their fertility desperate to conceive. More important, I see zero point in trying to convince someone that doesn’t want kids to try and have them. The world has enough unloved children as it is.
I agree with some of your conclusions, but I still maintain that I’m not trying to change anyone’s mind about having children. I just want to encourage someone in their teens to leave their options open, no matter how they feel thus far. I think that’s good counsel for teens on a lot of levels. Once I’ve made my point, and I think I have with Kaye, what she does with it is her responsibility, as is the decision to have or not have children. As you said, there’re plenty to go around as it is.
The only non-transmissible genetic trait is sterility.
Perhaps you care little for having children, but society as a whole should have a plan for its continuation after your death. You’re not hurting anyone, but the trend as it stands can hurt society as a whole.
I wouldn’t say not having children even counts as a trend… is world population growth slowing down?
Only in countries where children are considered a commodity instead of a blessing.
In develpoed countries – absolutely it has slowed down drastically. In most parts of europe births are below the replacement rate. In Japan same thing. china even more so though that is by force but the trend will remain even if the one child restriction is lifted given the economics of urban life in that country. All of this is the result of a trend towards consumption and consumerism. Not discounting that you need less labor than on the farm, but people are just filling their lives with things and desires instead of filling their homes with family. People are children until their 40 and then they get lonely and realize their mistake when it is too late. Only in a very rich society do people have this level of luxury that allows them to overrule their basic biological function.
You need to Google “effects of overpopulation
This world is overpopulated.
People who choose to not have kids (which is rare) are doing this over-populated world a favor.
“Something to consider: On average, the world’s popuation grows with a net increase of more than 200,000 people per day. This is every day, adding to an already terribly overpopulated Earth. …every day.”
Doesn’t that scare you? It scares me!
Food: one billion people, one out of every seven people alive, go to bed hungry.Every day, 25,000 people die of malnutrition and hunger-related diseases.
Water Shortages: About one billion people lack access to sufficient water for consumption, agriculture and sanitation. Aquifers are being depleted faster than they can be replenished.
Air quality: Pollution from smokestack In many regions of the country, childhood asthma rates have risen dramatically in the past 20 years.
Oil and gas are the underpinnings of what is, historically-speaking, the extremely cheap and fast transportation that today’s huge population depends on. Imagine how we could feed and supply our huge cities (N.Y., L.A., London, Mexico City, Peking) if all the hauling was done in horse-drawn carts and sailing ships.
The World’s forests are another resource that is strained by our growing population. Not only are they a source of fuel and building material, recent research has focused on forests’ ability to sequester greenhouse gases and protect us from global warming.
Conflicts and Wars: Some of the most brutal and persistent conflicts and full-out wars of the past decades include the stresses of overpopulation and conflict over resources.
UNDER-POPULATION is not a problem in this world. Not at all!!!!!
Or- ban the eating of meat and move to renewable energy sources and your problems are solved.
In the developed world birth rate has slowed below the replacement rate. It will take the indians a while to get there, but they will – the real estate developers will ensure that it is economically impossible to keep the population growing at its current rate.
Kay, I also felt that way at 12. I’m 37 this year, and nothing’s changed. I’ve known/heard of some women who’ve changed their mind, but I haven’t. Now that I’m in my last remaining childbearing years, it is an important decision to be sure about. It can be alienating not having that maternal instinct or reproductive urge, but ultimately I’ve decided that if I’m really not sure about having a kid, I probably shouldn’t.
I think the writer’s point is that parents who DON’T find that the joys outweigh the pain/burden shouldn’t be shamed into not expressing it. Childless people should be more aware of the unhappiness parenting can bring as much as the joys, so they can make an informed decision.
Statistics show that the more educated a person is, the fewer children they have. Logically, we in modern-day Western first-world countries do not need to reproduce for traditional reasons like help on the farm or old-age insurance. Nor do we need to increase the population. However, logic is not a part of reproduction. It’s biology. For whatever reason, some of us do not feel that urge.
My husband and I enjoy our life very much and do not plan on having children. I hope that it’s the right choice for us.
I, too knew from an early age (13) that I wanted nothing to do with kids/parenthood. I’ll be 33 this year and things have not changed in the slightest. There is no “internal force” or whatever garbage. Finally, after almost 8 years of searching and begging, I’ve finally gotten a doctor to agree to tie my tubes so I can officially be done with this nonsense.
Just to be clear, Ms. Anonymous, I don’t have a problem with any person who chooses, ultimately, not to have children. Kaye may indeed be one of those to her dying day. That is her right, and I support that right.
But reproduction is not nonsense or garbage. It’s something else entirely. It’s biology. And it’s not just mechanical; it’s chemical as well. That facet of biology does create a strong drive in humans, and all animals, to reproduce. To disagree is not to disagree with me, but with established science.
Any drive can be suppressed by our experience, and our will. Yours might be one example. That doesn’t mean the drive is non-existent. My wife, for instance, didn’t eat much at all from ages 12-19 because she was afraid of getting sick. Anorexic before anorexia was widely understood, she, at her worst, was 5’6″ and weighed 92 lbs. But underneath all of that fear was a normal hunger drive, and thank God, it functions pretty well these days, all things considered.
To be sure, the most obvious and constant expression of the reproductive drive is the derivative drive to have sex. If you have a sex drive — and you apparently do, or you wouldn’t be seeking sterilization— that’s your body expressing the drive to reproduce, whether you acknowledge it or not. It’s there.
If you short circuit that process and co-opt that drive for more narrowly defined purpose, that doesn’t remove the underlying reason that you have it. Rest assured, if there was no need to reproduce, sex wouldn’t exist, period. Knowing that doesn’t mean that all sex is intended to do is give us children. But it is the reason without which the others wouldn’t be.
The drive to have children is a beautiful part of being human, as is sex. The suppression of either is usually, but not always, an indication that something is wrong, and the reaction to that wrong is often not to participate, to consciously or subconsciously choose to not satisfy the drive. Sometimes that is a good and fair reaction to that wrong thing. Sometimes that wrong thing can be corrected, or at least mitigated, and the affected drive rises to its normal relevance in the individual’s life. Sometimes it can’t. In either case, there should be no judgment of the individual.
So stand my words to Kaye. My point is not that she couldn’t be right about herself. She may be. I have a number of unusual convictions that I have maintained from my childhood. I also have a number of convictions that I’ve changed or released since then, as I’m sure you at 33, if you’re honest here, would admit for yourself. My point with Kaye was simply that she should, at 18 years old, despite her current state of mind, wait a bit before she declares to herself or the world, “Absolutely never.” “I’m retiring forever” are the most famous last words ever.
I’m just saying, statistically, the odds are against any one person like you, because for every one of you, there are 10,000 others who swore the same conviction in their youth and have long since recanted. That fact doesn’t confer any moral status to either you or them. There are exceptions to every rule. You apparently are one. But there aren’t many.
Of course, Kaye is not just a statistic. It really shouldn’t matter to anyone but her where she falls. I just think she, at 18, should stay open to some quite likely possibilities that she might not always see as negative.
Actually, there would still be reason to have sex; simply because it’s pleasurable. If it was purely for reproduction, women would be fertile at all times or only be aroused during fertile periods, naturally infertile people would not even have sex drives (which they still do), and every sexual encounter would result in pregnancy (sans birth control, of course).
Except that sex wouldn’t exist if humans didn’t need to reproduce. Consequently, you wouldn’t know about the pleasure of sex if sex didn’t exist. I didn’t say sex was purely for reproduction. I said that reproduction is the raison d’être for sex, not pleasure, your sentiments not withstanding. From a purely biological point of view, sexual pleasure is just an incidental means to an end, which is reproduction, by the way. In other words, you wouldn’t think that pleasure was a good reason to have sex (and it is!) if human reproduction didn’t naturally require sex. In this regard, your desire is driven by your biology, pure and simple. So much for free will, eh?
None of your rationales stand on their own. As mammals, it is very common for females to have regular cycles of fertility and infertility, which are necessary to dispose of old eggs and replace them with fresh ones. None of that keeps males from constantly seeking fertile (and therefore more willing) females with which to mate. That is in fact what they do. But the existence of that cycle by definition means that every instance of copulation doesn’t result in pregnancy. Thus falls your theory that reproduction as a sole reason for sex requires constant female fertility, or that the same would mean all sexual intercourse would result in fertilization.
Of course, women do have a much greater desire to mate when they are fertile. Why? Because it is easier for a woman to have an orgasm when she’s fertile. Why? Because her body wants to reproduce, that’s why!
And as for infertile couples, well… infertility is an aberration, not the norm. Even for those born infertile, to call their condition “natural” is a misappropriation of the term. The natural state of adult humans is fertility. And although fertility and sexual drive work symbiotically, to assume that they can’t exist independently of each other is as illogical as saying that because my hunger drive is missing, I don’t need to eat.
All in all, your response so far has been driven by emotion, not facts. Believe what you will, but don’t be deluded about it. Just admit that your feelings drive you, and not much else.
“Except that sex wouldn’t exist if humans didn’t need to reproduce.”
Source? I’m curious as to where your proof of this is.
The point about animal fertility is that sex isn’t solely for reproduction; there is another purpose (recreation). Female animals go through heat cycles and typically have sex only during those times because they don’t do it for recreation like humans do (except dolphins, of course). If the main point was reproduction, why aren’t the behaviors the same? Why aren’t women fertile longer? Women wouldn’t even bother with sex when not fertile and have no drive for it; no baby, no point (not to mention the supposed pregnancy horniness that occurs with some women that I’ve heard about. It’s not like they can conceive again).
“Of course, women do have a much greater desire to mate when they are fertile. Why? Because it is easier for a woman to have an orgasm when she’s fertile. Why? Because her body wants to reproduce, that’s why!”
Source, please.
“Even for those born infertile, to call their condition “natural” is a misappropriation of the term.”
Whether it’s common or not is irrelevant. The fact that it’s a naturally occurring condition makes it natural infertility; unless you’re intent on shaming these people for something they have no control over.
“All in all, your response so far has been driven by emotion, not facts.”
I say the same about yours. You seem to make a lot of statements claiming they’re fact with no sources to back them up.
“Believe what you will, but don’t be deluded about it. Just admit that your feelings drive you, and not much else.”
lol, I hate to burst your bubble, but just because you don’t want to believe that some of us aren’t born with a maternal instinct doesn’t mean we don’t exist. There was no drive that kicked in and decided I needed to ruin my life with that garbage and your smug, inflated sense of self-righteousness isn’t going to change it.
This thread is starting to sound inane. I’ve already acknowledged that reproduction isn’t the only reason humans have sex, and that pleasure is another reason. We agree. Can we move on?
The problem here is, I’m arguing that the main benefit of the Sun to the Earth is light and heat, and you’re arguing that it’s pretty rainbows.
Just because I don’t list sources for my conclusions doesn’t mean I’m being emotional. That conclusion in itself is a logical error. Scientific inquiry is a fine thing, but often expensive, and not always necessary, or even possible. Logic and common sense sometimes suffice, and in the case of proving empirically something that happened millions of years ago, if at all, sometimes must suffice. Logic unveiled many of the world’s greatest natural truths long before the scientific method was invented.
I’d be hard pressed to find scientific research seeking to prove the main reason for the existence of sex, just as I’d be hard pressed to find a study establishing the reason for ice in the Antarctic. The scientific community isn’t questioning the reason for either. But a cursory reading of any scientific source material about the evolution of sex, or ice in Antarctica, makes plain that both premises serve as a framework for any scientific discussion about either subject.
And just as obviously from an evolutionary perspective, if reproduction had been unnecessary, so would sex be. Biologically, what is unnecessary doesn’t evolve. But even where pleasure in vertebrates isn’t evident, sex still is. If you know of some species out there that uses sex exclusively for pleasure and never for reproduction, please tell me so that I might reconsider your implication that sex could evolve purely for pleasure as an end unto itself. Unless I’ve misunderstood you.
When someone is born with a cleft palate, we don’t shrug off that condition as “natural.” And we are not accused of judging them if we don’t. Same with infertility.
You’re defining “natural” as something that occurs without any apparent artificial intervention, I’m defining “natural” as a design manifested in fully functioning form. In that sense, humans born without the ability to ever procreate sexually are not a natural occurrence. If I’m born with only one kidney, it might have occurred as a natural aberration, but that doesn’t mean it’s the natural state of human physiology. Admitting that is not a judgment of my worth as a human being. It’s just a recognition of my physical condition.
Your enjoyment of sex doesn’t mean that it exists because you enjoy it, any more than your use of a wood furnace means that wood and metal exist to keep you warm, although that’s a perfectly understandable conclusion to draw in a culture that teaches self-actualization as the ultimate pursuit.
Self righteousness is ascribed to those who assert that they are better than others. That’s not me here, anymore than it’s you when you don’t parrot me. I don’t think you’re less of a person than I because we disagree and choose to live accordingly. But if it makes you feel better to call me names rather than admit the fragility of your position, have at it.
It’s not impossible for a woman to be born without a maternal instinct, anymore than it’s impossible for a woman’s life to be threatened by a pregnancy. But unless you’ve not experienced any of the other usual results of hormones that transfrom a girl into a woman, I think it’s much more likely that that instinct is being suppressed, maybe even by something after birth but before adolescence, just like I think it’s much more likely that the average abortion is ultimately a matter of will, conscious or not, rather than physical necessity.
I’m willing to admit that some women are missing a maternal instinct. Are you willing to admit that some women are suppressing theirs, whether or not they are aware of it?
To reiterate: Have children or don’t. Having children is not a moral mandate, something that you owe the rest of us. Nor is choosing to be childless a choice that you should feel compelled to justify to me or anybody else. I don’t take issue with your decision, per se. But I do think your description of procreation and motherhood as “garbage” and “nonsense” that would ruin your life strongly suggests, wittingly or not, that your motivations behind that decision are essentially emotional, not biological.
Whatever your path, I wish for you the peace that passes all understanding, which, as luck would have it, doesn’t require physically birthing or raising children.
“Can we move on?”
Then why did you start on me to begin with? All I said was there would still be a reason to fuck if procreation was off the table. You apparently weren’t happy with that and continued with a three page dissertation on why that was a problem. Now you’re complaining when I’m continuing with this nonsense. You brought this on yourself.
“…you’re arguing that it’s pretty rainbows.”
Where do you come up with these analogies? No, that’s not the argument. The chemicals (such as oxytocin) released during sex/orgasms are important for human pair bonding. This is very important for relationships and even the structure of societies. That pleasure aspect is a lot more complex than merely “if it feels good, do it” (if anything, that’s the light to your heat if you insist on using that ridiculous analogy). You truly disregard just how important this has been to human survival? Anyway, as I’ve said before, if the main purpose of sex was purely to reproduce, it would be tied to fertility as we’d want/need to maximize reproduction. That is not illogical; that’s how we know it works with other species at this time. Hell, if the goal was purely to maximize the number of offspring, we would reproduce asexually.
I don’t doubt procreation is a benefit of sex (I never said it wasn’t, I merely said there’d still be reason to do it even if procreation was taken out of the picture, which you seemed to disagree with), however it is not THE ONLY benefit. I argue it isn’t even the most important aspect. If that’s not good enough for you, that’s your problem, not mine.
“…doesn’t mean I’m being emotional.”
So ok, I’m emotional, but we need to take everything you say at face value. Of course.
“…not always necessary, or even possible.”
If only someone would invent a global source of information that one may access via computer, phone, or tablet, which permits the search of various topics of interest (as well as pictures of cats)…
“…scientific method was invented.”
Not when you’re complaining about a lack of science-based facts to my argument. If you’re going to talk the talk…
“…reason for the existence of sex,”
Human sexuality is a very popular subject. I bet you could find something if you bothered to look.
“Biologically, what is unnecessary doesn’t evolve.”
Just out of curiosity, when was the last time you used your nipples?
“Unless I’ve misunderstood you.”
So it must be all-or-nothing to fit your criteria? The fact that humans are able to separate procreative sex from recreational
is proof enough, and it’s entirely possible that someday humans could get to the point where natural reproduction is impossible and they must rely on artificial means, meanwhile sex still exists. Anything is possible.
“And we are not accused of judging them if we don’t.”
Treating them as they’re abnormal because of it is judging them.
“…it exists because you enjoy it”
I didn’t say it did, however I did say that humans have a reason to participate other than breeding. Women also have a body part purely for sexual pleasure with absolutely no reproductive value, as well.
“That’s not me here”
Really? Sure seems like it.
“anymore than it’s you when you don’t parrot me
Where did I parrot you? Because I merely asked for proof of your claims? If that’s all it takes…
“…if it makes you feel better to call me names…”
lol I didn’t call you names. I merely pointed out the rather nasty tone in your posts to me, but hey if you’d rather feel victimised and lie about what was said in an attempt repair your fragile ego, feel free (there’s the parroting).
“…that instinct is being suppressed…”
An army of babies in buggies invaded my village when I was twelve. They burned my hut and held me captive; feeding
me nothing but sour breastmilk and stale cheerios while forcing me to walk on Legos. When I finally escaped, I vowed I would never contribute to the roving baby armies that plague the land.
Seriously? Are you a doctor or scientist? Have you been researching this subject? You’re making assumptions based on preconceived notions that you have about people and sexuality. You have no idea as to what you’re talking about. Do you also assume gay people are just suppressing their urge to be heterosexual?
“I’m willing to admit…”
How big of you. Please show me where I ever denied some women merely choose not to have children. Some even chose not to have them despite greatly yearning to do so. THAT is suppressing the urge. I don’t know what you think you’re gaining here.
“…you should feel compelled to justify…”
I never felt compelled to justify anything. All I wanted to do was show Kaye some support when you gave her a typical
breeder bingo. However you certainly seemed to feel compelled to justify breeding.
“I don’t take issue with your decision, per se.”
Um, great? I can finally sleep at night now.
“…motherhood as “garbage”…”
My first use of the term occurred as I’ve grown weary of the typical breeder bs you were spewing. My later use came about because the first time obviously bothered you.
“…wish for you the peace that passes…”
Sure you do; all while you condescend throughout your entire post and even toss in a cheap potshot or two. S’all good, it’s just the internet.
Talking about biology, some women are wired not to desire parenthood.
Quoting from an article:
“The only consistent biological theory is that women with no desire to parent either have a high testosterone level or were exposed to above-average testosterone in the womb.”
“One of the more intriguing notions is that, for many of these women, the lack of interest in children appears to have been in place well before their 30s—in some cases, before they could have even fully grasped the concept of parenthood.”
-source: http://www.thedailybeast.com/articles/2010/09/19/childless-by-choice-why-some-women-dont-want-kids.html
I’m one of them. I was never into kids and babies. When I see a puppy I’d be all gushy…. puppies are simply cute! But I feel nothing when I see a human baby. It’s always been like that for me.
I don’t have any desire for children even after having one of my own. I planned my pregnancy and had my child out of curiosity and to see if I’d feel differently after having a child. Nope, i still don’t want any children and won’t have any more. Curiosity fulfilled – I wanted to know firsthand what it’s really like to have a child. Is it really like all they claim to be? Is it really all that great to have my own child? Well, honestly… it’s not all it’s cracked up to be – I wouldn’t have missed it. That’s not to say I don’t love my daughter. I do and people around me think I’m an overanxious mom (they probably would never have guessed I never had any maternal yearning) because I had to make sure everything’s done right for her. But I know without a doubt that, to me, having a child wasn’t anything out of the world or anything like that. That’s my reality. I will never understand what it’s like to yearn to have a child or to feel out of this world just to hold your baby in your arms. I felt nothing when my newborn was placed in my arms for the first time. No euphoria… just plain old “ok, so this is how it’s like”.
No one has to feel sorry for my child because she knows I love her. She’s a happy child with a sense of humour. No one has to feel sorry for me either just because I have no maternal desire. I’m just the way I am. I’m just moving on with my life (and thank god for a supportive husband and extended family or I’ll go nuts). There’s nothing romantically fabulous about motherhood to me. Is this sad? Well, I don’t think it is. Why must it be? Things are just the way they are and I’m ok being myself.
My question is- what do you care if a 12 year old, 18 year old, or 35 year old says they will never have children? If later they decide to have them then so what?
People typically make choices based on facts as they are presented to them.
Sure more facts can lead to a change in choice but sometimes those first facts are so ocerwhelming that no additional facts can alter the choice made on them. But really who cares! It is their choice.
I also think all this “you will change your mind” can lead to some people digging in their heels just to prove a point.
Just leave people alone. It is her choice and it is her choice to change her mind a dozen times if she wants.
And BTW I knew at 12 I didn’t want children and no amount of life changes or additional facts ever caused me to choose otherwise because my reasoning still stood as it did 28 years ago.
Chill out. I didn’t say she would change her mind. And I do leave people alone, as a rule. I’m not going door-to-door asking people about their lifestyle preferences.
But why did you respond to me? Because this a public forum and I put myself out there, that’s why. Same thing with me and Kaye. She’s a big enough girl to give it and take it, and did both well. So why do you have to come to her defense? She doesn’t need your response any more than she needs mine.
I’ll leave people alone as soon as you do. Take that log out of your own eye, and then take me to task on the splinter in mine.
I response here because for some reason, your last response to me below (April 11, 2013 at 1:02 pm) doesn’t offer a “reply” button.
Just to be clear, I didn’t start this with you. You’re the one above who derided my “internal force” comment to Kaye, obviously in disagreement. Nothing wrong with that. But that’s where it started. You took issue with me, not the other way around.
The rest of your response below is just obfuscation and running around in circles.
“Are you a doctor or scientist?” When I’m debating someone who starts turning the subject into me instead of the issue, I know the real conversation is done. See ya.
“Just to be clear, I didn’t start this with you. You’re the one above who derided my “internal force” comment to Kaye, obviously in disagreement. Nothing wrong with that. But that’s where it started. You took issue with me, not the other way around.”
So, because I referenced two words that you said in passing means I must obviously have something against you personally? Really? What happened to that noise about kids suddenly making you realize the world doesn’t revolve around you that parents always tell me about?
As I stated previously, which I will state again and again, and again until you finally get it: all I was doing was showing Kaye some support when she was given a typical breeder bingo. Nothing more, nothing less. You just happened to be the one who gave it to her. Don’t like it? Don’t do it.
“The rest of your response below is just obfuscation and running around in circles.”
Then prove it, doc.
““Are you a doctor or scientist?” When I’m debating someone who starts turning the subject into me instead of the issue, I know the real conversation is done. See ya.”
‘You’re so vain…you probably think this (post) is about you…’ now I guess I turned it into a post about Carly Simon, huh? Or does this mean I must have a problem with her since I’m paraphrasing her?
This isn’t about you, and it never was, however when you personally dig at people in your posts, expect to get it in return. Welcome to the Internet.
I didn’t say those words, “internal forces,” in passing. I choose my words deliberately in a forum like this, unlike those who toss around phrases like “breeder bingo,” a standard buzz phrase among the childfree, designed to dehumanize and shut down those who use a common list of arguments to question a decision to remain childless.
What’s interesting is, your anger alone has put me in that group, because I’ve not used a single “breeder bingo” argument. Here’s a link to what you reference, but I haven’t said: http://whynokids.com/advice-tips/breeder-bingo/. Check all that I’ve written here. Nothing I’ve said mirrors or matches those on the “breeder bingo” board. My cardinal sin was that I encouraged Kaye to keep her heart and mind open at the tender age of 18, just in case. And then I dared to challenge your reference to my post. Oh, for shame!
Notice that I didn’t take issue with Louise (March 10, 2013 at 11:31 am), who preceded you in responding to Kaye. That’s because she simply gave Kaye her own encouragement without making reference to anything I said. Of course, Louise is a touch older than you. Maybe you’ll mellow with a few more years.
I don’t have a fundamental problem with anyone’s decision to remain childless. My response to Kaye was not with the essence of her decision, but rather the timing of it.
I didn’t think that your reference to my words meant that you had something against me personally, although, in retrospect, when you cite them as “breeder bingo,” it certainly sounds like you do.
You label me and judge me for what you project onto me, instead of what I’ve actually said here. You’re doing to me exactly what you find abhorrent when done to the childfree: discounting my worth because I’m not like you. You’ve shown yourself to be one of those who is all about tolerance, until it’s your turn, that is. You are the one who has taken this conversation so personally.
The arguments given on this page for not having children are no less standard among the militantly childless than are the arguments of those who would relentlessly question them: “I’ve want to live my life.” “I’ve never liked children.” “I don’t have the urge.” “I had a hard childhood.” “They cost too much money.” “I’d rather do something useful.” “The world is too populated.” I could go on.
How would you like it if I roundly categorized everything you said as “barren bitch bingo,” regardless of whether you said those things above, or not? Would it be fair to characterize your decision as having no more consideration from you than an infertile female dog would give? Is it fair that you characterize me as a “breeder,” like I’m domesticated animal or one who breeds them, as if my reasons for having children are simply utilitarian and otherwise thoughtless? The answer to both is, absolutely not. We can do better.
I am not your enemy, or that of anyone else here, nor have I sought to be. If you have encountered many suggesting that you’re less of a person or adult because you’ve chosen not to have children, I’m sorry about that. But I am not they.
You won’t find me here digging at anyone or calling anyone names. I’m not entirely above it, and I may slip on occasion, but on this sensitive an issue, I want to give everyone some room to stretch out in expressing themselves, and the benefit of the doubt when emotions run high.
I’m just trying to have a conversation. This one has certainly been interesting, if not particularly productive so far. But hey, I’m not writing it off. At my tender age, I’m keeping my heart and mind open.
“I didn’t say those words, “internal forces,” in passing.”
But *I* did. Again, this wasn’t about you and it never was. My original post was about my experience in my life and it had nothing to do with you save for a very brief quote of your bingo. If I had, perhaps, said something like “there are no internal forces like that d-bag up there said,” THEN I could understand you being upset (fyi, before you whine about it, I *wasn’t* just calling you a d-bag; I was using it to illustrate my point, but I await the condescending six page reply accusing me of calling you a d-bag and how you really aren’t one and you’re just a really great person that is really perfectly ok with people not having kids unlike me who is just horrible and mean, all while you claim you’re above the name-calling).
“…I’ve not used a single “breeder bingo” argument.”
lol you used a variant of “you’ll change your mind” and insinuated that because Kaye is female, she *especially* should feel the pull to have children (ie: “it’s what you’re made for”). Those are both typical arguments used against the childfree by breeders. Of course, you wouldn’t understand that because you’re not childfree *cough*.
“Check all that I’ve written here.”
hahahaha, there are multiple variants on the “breeder bingo” card and that one certainly doesn’t encompass *all* of the typical arguments we get. Also, you don’t have to use the exact precise phrasing for the general sentiment to be the same.
Just something I’d like to note from the link you posted: “It’s staggering how often perfect strangers presume to know me better than I know myself. So quick to assume, to judge, to advise.” Sound familiar?
“…just in case.”
Because we totally never heard that from anyone. Not from parents, siblings, acquaintances at parties, strangers on the internet, or doctors who then deny sterilizing us, y’know, “just in case.”
“Maybe you’ll mellow with a few more years.”
I really get a kick on how you get all huffy and whiny about how you’re being attacked, and then throw in digs like this. It’s really entertaining, heh.
“…but rather the timing of it.”
Who bloody cares? It’s not your life and not your problem. If someone who claimed childfreedom later did change their mind, do you smugly tell them “I told you so?” Better yet, do you also tell women who say they want children someday when they’re 18/19 that they should really “keep an open mind” because they’re too young to be making such a big decision now? Somehow, I highly doubt it, and if not, that would make you a hypocrite.
“…you had something against me personally,”
Obviously, you do since you’re turning this ENTIRE thing into a giant personal attack against you.
“You label me and judge me for what you project onto me,”
“ME ME ME” everything is about “ME”. I said you gave a typical breeder bingo; I never called you one, but go ahead and keep claiming you’re a victim.
“…instead of what I’ve actually said here.”
I tried arguing content, and you apparently wanted to talk about you, so…
“…discounting my worth because I’m not like you.”
*eyeroll* Wow, dude…just…wow. The sky must be awfully dark in your world.
“You are the one who has taken this conversation so personally.”
lol Yeah, sure seems like it’s me *cough*…
“…regardless of whether you said those things above, or not?”
I’d totes start crying. For realz, because some random dude on the Internetz called me something bad. Give me a break, lol.
“Would it be fair…”
I hate to tell you this, but…life ain’t always fair.
“…We can do better.”
Oh yeah, no I’m certainly the one taking this super personally and not you. This previous paragraph totally just proved that. GOOD JOB!
“I am not your enemy,”
That’s a bit dramatic, don’t you think? You act as if breeders, parents, childless, and childfree are somehow at war…
“You won’t find me here digging at anyone or calling anyone names.”
LOL I suppose all of your posts to me just don’t count, huh? Right, right…
“I’m just trying to have a conversation.”
No, you’re not. You’re whining about being attacked and talking about yourself. I really wish my salary was as big as your ego.
“I’m keeping my heart and mind open.”
Suuuure. It really shows.
What really shows is the audacity of your ignorance. I didn’t become a father until I was your age. I know very well what it’s like to be childfree, thank you.
My argument to Kaye was simply that at 18, she might hedge her bets about something so common and compelling in the human experience. That’s different from saying she will change her mind. But here’re some other quotes from me in previous posts on this page, which you would no doubt declare variants of breeder bingo:
“I’m not predicting your future.”
“Children or not, I’d love to hear your thoughts at age 29.”
“… what she does with it is her responsibility, as is the decision to have or not have children.”
“I don’t have a problem with any person who chooses, ultimately, not to have children. Kaye may indeed be one of those to her dying day. That is her right, and I support that right.”
“So stand my words to Kaye. My point is not that she couldn’t be right about herself. She may be.”
“To reiterate: Have children or don’t. Having children is not a moral mandate, something that you owe the rest of us. Nor is choosing to be childless a choice that you should feel compelled to justify to me or anybody else. I don’t take issue with your decision, per se.”
Oh, yea. You tagged me. I’m just another breeder.
By the way, if the statement “maybe you’ll mellow in a few more years” is a dig to you, then you are the one that needs a welcome to the Internet. I’ve certainly mellowed since I was 32.
You’ll undoubtedly come back with more drivel about how I think it’s all about me. But I don’t think it is. It’s about how we debate. And I realized a while back that a rational debate about the issue itself was going to elude us as long as you:
A) kept assuming an us/them posture and
B) kept demanding to see my pedigree and bibliography over statements as innocuous as “the main purpose of sex is reproduction,” while you made statements like “the chemicals (such as oxytocin) released during sex/orgasms are important for human pair bonding” without offering any substantiation whatsoever. Not that I disagree with the statement. I just gave up trying to figure out why my statement needed proof of my doctorate, and yours needed nothing but your status as childfree.
Lastly — and I do mean lastly, no matter what your reply, if you offer one — the possibility of the childfree and childful being at war honestly never occurred to me until I saw Mr. Beato’s article and the response to it. And still, it was 3 months after that before I made my first commentary on it, consisting entirely of this Faulkerian breeder bombshell of a diatribe:
“Okay, you’ve convinced me: some people shouldn’t have children.” Another breeder bingo variation, I’m sure.
I’ve had a number of good friends over the years who chose to not have children, and they didn’t seem to be at war with anyone over it, least of all me. Sometimes we just sat and ate beans and weenies, and children never came up.
But whatever. More costly wars have certainly been fought over less.
And although you’ll surely be tempted to characterize this as breeder bingo and/or find some other way to mock me over it, I mean this: I wish you well.
“…I know very well what it’s like to be childfree, thank you.”
lol You really don’t get why I added that, did you? Also, many would argue you know what it’s like to be childless since you eventually went on to parenthood, not childfree.
“That’s different from saying she will change her mind.”
It’s a variation of the same theme we hear all of the time, but of course you don’t want to hear that. You also never answered my question as whether or not you say these same things to people who claim they want children in the future; I can only assume that means you don’t.
“Children or not, I’d love to hear your thoughts at age 29.”
Oh yeah, this *definitely* doesn’t reek of the smug arrogance of ‘you’ll change your mind.’ Not at all.
“I’m just another breeder.”
Ok dude, whatever you say. You know yourself and your parenting habits better than I do and were apparently “childfree” at some point in your life *cough*…if you say you’re a breeder, you must be one, but I never said it.
“…I’ve certainly mellowed since I was 32.”
hahahaha, because that’s when you had your kid, right? And everything was just grand.
“B) kept demanding to see my pedigree and bibliography…”
I believe I explained this before, but because it didn’t stick, I’ll do it again. If you’re going to complain about the lack of scientific evidence to someone else’s argument, you’d better start backing up your claims with evidence. I couldn’t care less either way, however YOU rose a stink about it. Your arguments are “logic”? Then you’d better back up your claims with proof of said logic. Get it?
“…no matter what your reply, if you offer one…”
Ah, baiting
“And although you’ll surely be tempted to characterize this as breeder bingo..”
lol, Wow. You’re reminding me of Amy from the latest episode of Kitchen Nightmares with this. “We just won’t serve anything because it’s all garbage and everyone will just have cakes” (paraphrasing, not a direct quote). You bingo’ed her. You don’t have to admit it to me, but you should admit it to yourself and be done with it.
U know what all the dumb asses that do not have children and think they know what they’re talking about should get off this page!
Sent from my iPhone
I made up my mind at 12 too. Now I’m almost 30 and still feel the same- only more strongly, as others around me have children. Kids just aren’t for me, no matter how many people told me I’d change my mind.
It’s selfish to have kids. Aside from the fact that the world is over populated and suffering immensely from it, how much do parents give to the rest of humanity or even their own community? They are only giving to their children and if they’re lucky to their spouse too. I know, I’m a nanny and I see it first hand and experience it. Children are great, surprising and of course there’s the love factor, but from what I’m learning first hand it’s a ton of blood, sweat and tears (and not to mention ALL OF YOUR ENERGY). You truly give up so much in life to give very specifically and pointedly to a child. It is selfish to have children when there are so many people in need and so much to be done in a world that desperately needs attention.
I have no problem with people who feel it is their calling in life to birth a child or two or even three, but I do not accept anyone stating that choosing not to have children is selfish when having children is selfish!
The world is not suffering from overpopulation. Everyone in the world could stand together in a space less than 30 miles square.
Rich Western countries throw food away, or let it rot, to bolster prices. Third World rulers with no concern whatsoever for human rights let humanitarian aid go to waste in port after they’ve satiated themselves with it, rather than create a plan to distribute it to their citizens in need. Available educational tools, medical care, and other hallmarks of civilization are routinely denied to billions around the world.
There’s plenty for everyone on the planet. Our resources are limited only by our imagination and decision to care. We don’t have to choose between the children we want and the children we have. We can love the ones we have and have the ones we want. It’s not natural resources that we lack to provide for the world’s population. It’s heart.
Think what you want. I’ve done the math.
Did Michelle Duggar give you this false piece of “information”?
You are only making yourself look like a fool if you truly believe the entire population could fit inside Jacksonville, FL.
I’ve never heard of Michelle Duggar. Apparently, you are more familiar with her propaganda than I.
But as a child, I was fortunate to take some rudimentary arithmetic courses, and those lessons have assisted me in drawing this conclusion which you call “foolish.”
There are currently just under 7.1 billion humans on the planet. A cursory Google search will confirm this rough estimate at numerous sources.
There are 5280 feet in a mile. Multiplying 1 mile by 1 mile yields the same actual area as multiplying 5280 feet by 5280 feet.
A square is a closed, 4 sided shape wherein all four sides are the same length, and each side meets its adjacent sides at an angle of 90 degrees. The area of any square is the length of any side multiplied by itself.
If you take a square 5280 feet long on any side and calculate the area, the product is 27,878,400 square feet. That’s how many square feet are in a square mile.
I estimate that the average human — newborns to Sumo wrestlers, Swedes and Japanese, Americans and Ethiopians — is about 2 feet wide from shoulder to shoulder, and a foot thick from chest to back. This seems to be well within estimates around the web, including this one from Harvard University: http://www.fas.harvard.edu/~loebinfo/loebinfo/Proportions/humanfigure.html.
Again, calculating for area, but this time for the average standing human, I multiply 1 by 2. The product is two square feet.
To find the square feet required to contain 7.1 billion humans of the aforementioned dimensions, I mulitply 7,100,000,000x2x1, the product being 14,200,000,000. Thus, 7.1 billion humans require 14.2 billion square feet of space in which to stand. If all humans took up that space in a perfect square, shoulder to shoulder, front to back, the space required would be the same, but it would now be contiguous square feet.
Converting this area into square miles is as simple as dividing 14,200,000,000 by 27,878,400. The resulting quotient is 502.18 square miles. The square root of this number is 22.41 miles, or 22.41 miles square, meaning a square 22.41 miles long and 22.41 miles wide would contain every human being on Earth, front to back, shoulder to shoulder.
If you expanded that area to 30 miles square you could add a few ping pong tables, a Superbowl, and, I dare say, parking. After that, you could find space to urinate out in the open, and no one would notice.
And to be clear, using your reference of Jacksonville, Florida (Wikipedia, anyone?), all humans indeed COULD fit into that city’s 874.6 square miles, excluding all of the water in that area, and still have 245 square miles of breathing room.
What your feelings call foolishness, CF, the thinking world calls math.
I have no desire to have children! I don’t have that “mom gene” that makes me go gooey around babies. I’m 100% certain I will not regret not having any either. As if other people can make up MY mind for ME. Get the hell out. Pfft.
If more people were honest with themselves that they don’t want to, or just plain aren’t cut out to have kids, maybe less kids would be abandoned, or even just sentenced to live a life where they are only mildly tolerated, none the less enjoyed. Why in the hell would anyone want another person to have a child when that person isn’t even sure they WANT one. (Or flat out said, they don’t want kids.) You should know for damn sure that you want to have a kid if you are going to make that choice. NOT wanting/ needing kids should be talked about more often. People should not reproduce by consequence. It should be on purpose and you better be damn ready to give your life to that child. There is no greater responsibility and it makes me sick how lightly people take creating a freaking person. That new person has to live here. They are dependent on the compassion and capability of the adults in their lives to love them and care for them. So don’t do it, or do it right. If you ALREADY had a kid and regret that decision now? Be honest, by all means but work through that shit. You can’t help what’s happened already but you can learn to love being a parent. Do it for the kid or let somebody else do it. Give that child an opportunity in this life for Christs sake. I think as with any and all regret, the best thing you can do is learn from it, and then move on.
(edit: I used ‘none the less’ wrong it there, but you know what I meant..) (;
If you don’t want kids then don’t have any, nothing wrong with it. And there are absolutely peope who wish they didnt have kids. Are they bad people? Not really, but they are hurtful to the child who didnt choose to live, and now has to live with parents who don’t really want them or regret them. Think back to your mother saying she regrets you or wishes she never had you cause her life would have been way better, it’s hurtful. As an adult it may be understandable, but as a child, you need love and things like that are hurtful. I definitely don’t regret my kids, I love getting up at night, I love the stress, it’s a good stress for me. I was NEVER a baby person, I always had dogs, babies were whatever. But now it changed, my babies r my life.
And it’s not true about being Grey and ugly if u have kids. My parents had 2 of us and look better then people who r younger then them. Just take care of yourself lol
I regret having children. I hate parenthood.
Adroit. ‘Nuff said.
I love my child but I do regret it. Every situation is different so we really can’t judge unless we know what the situation is. I find no joy in motherhood @ all.
I agree with alot of these comments on here, I think it is fine to have kids if you really want them, but if you are having them because someone else wants you too then it’s for the wrong reason. And I respect the ones who don’t want them, not everyone is cut out to be
a parent. I regret my decision and it has been a hard ride for me, I would never do it again
I hate it and the way it has turned out. I hate being a parent too I think you can have just as
good a life without them or maybe a better one, just my opinion
Geez, the attacks on here are nuts. Can nobody see that this is a clearly overwhelmed parent with job burnout. Way to point a finger and judge instead of helping someone.
Look, I don’t have kids. At least 12 people just stopped reading and decided I must not understand anything about parenting. 3 if those 12 think I have a disease. Of those 3 probably 1 thinks I’m going to hell. Did I mention I’m 32? Most of my friends have kids. We are still friends. They take their kids to the art museums, and occasionally we go out for wine when they can find a sitter.
Your world doesn’t have to stop because you are or are not a parent. There is nothing wrong with either path.
One of the greatest leaders of the world Elizabeth I did not have children. Joan of Arc did not have children. Mary Magdalene in the bible was childless. And Sarah, Abraham’s wife was too. So, this isn’t a new thing. Some by choice others not.
The point is people are called to different lives for a reason. Maybe a person is not supposed to be a parent. Maybe they made a choice that led them off their path and now have a little one that will tag along with them making everything 200 times harder.
I love my nephews, my godchildren, and I nannied for years. I live watching them grow. Parents do not have the corner market on that.
However, I’ve seen a lot of stressed out parents too afraid to look like a bad parent so they bite off more than they can chew, push past limits they don’t have, and then end up looking at their child later in wondering what they did wrong.
Here’s my advice as a childless person whose an outlet for end of wits parents who can’t take anymore. Because anytime you’re responsible for someone’s life, its a stressful pain in the ass whether you want to admit it or not. And if you haven’t wanted to kick your kids out…I bet they aren’t 13 yet.
1. MAKE time for yourself. If you are stressed with your kids they sense it. Like little vampires can smell blood and fear. If you don’t have time for you at all, they will never learn their own importance. You are leading by example. Your life shouldn’t be all discipline. If you need the house quiet, find a friend, nanny, family member and take a break. If you need more time to wind down, take a vacation without them. You’ll miss them but they’d rather hear your story of a trip than be driven into a lake.
2. Because you don’t always like them doesn’t mean you don’t love them. Maybe they have drawn on the wall or pooped themselves for the 8th time today and haven’t shut up crying in 6 hours. Admit you don’t like them today. Admit it. There are days I don’t like people who are adults, family, etc. and they aren’t even there 24/7. It’s ok. Then remind yourself you live them and try really hard to think of how funny this story will be to tell every date they have in high school. If you can just get through the next ten years you can embarrass the crap out of this little rat if your still ticked about it.
3. As for regrets…everyone has them. The truth is we are all called to lead selfless lives. Sometimes you don’t choose your life. Crap happens. But look at the life you have. There’s no point being all , I should never have had these kids. There’s not a damn thing you can do about it. So, suck it up buttercup. You’ve been entrusted to raise a tiny little independent spirit that is not you. It will require being taught everything from how to chew food to how to make choices. Your kid is not you. Your kid is the next generation of the world. Agh!!!!!’ That was scary. Especially when they are making noise just to make noise.
Live the life you have. It is meant for you for a reason. Maybe the whole reason you have these kids is so you can raise them to be sane parents who realize they don’t have to be perfect. Maybe one won’t ever want kids and you will supply the reasons why. Maybe you didn’t want that job, but you got it and the payment will come later. Right now, its in that 10 previous minutes of nap time.
4. Learn to meditate. It will do wonders. And help to detach from the drama.
5. Let your kids know you. Let them learn what you like. They will do the same for you.if you can’t stand them. Tell them. “I can’t stand you today! Go away!” And they will cry and you will have to apologize. And then you’ve taught them something good.
6. Find some faith. I don’t mean you have to be Christian. Go find a religion because Gid knows you’re gonna need to pray. Not for your child’s safety, but for you. Also, faith groups can help you meet other parents who might also need a break. You can trade off.
7. get some friends. You need them so you can drink in the kitchen while your children beat each other with plastic ray guns in the living room. When someone needs a band aid you can make them explain how the ray gun did it by its laser beam. And then laugh about it with your friend.
Look, I don’t have children because I made the decision to get a doctorate. Because I wanted to be out of debt so they could go to good schools, because I dated a lot if douchebags. There’s a host of reasons. Even if I never actually give birth there are millions of kids in foster care to choose from if and when I decide to have a kid. Maybe I’ll marry someone with kids. Maybe I will be a barren wench for the rest of my life. Who cares? I am happy with my decisions. But it would be a lie to say there aren’t times in my own life where I look around and think “where the hell am I? And why the hell did I choose this? “Or even better “what did I do to deserve this crap!”
Give it time. It’s a bitch now, but it will get better.
Eve
I just think there is too much sacrifice with children, you have to
give everything up for them. And as they get older, it gets harder
and tougher. It really does, and if you are the only parent that does
everything for your child, then it’s like raising them by theirselves all
their life and that’s how it is has been for me. I love my son but I would
have never had one, had I known what I know now. I think other parents
feel the same way they just might not want to admit it. Only you know for
sure and who you are. It’s just too hard.
Yes very much so this is my opinion & thru personal experience.you might feel
different about it. Me on the other hand hasn’t been as lucky as you. maybe you
have wonderful children & I’m happy for you. But I hate being a parent & the day
in day out struggles. I’m not a happy camper, there I told the truth.
I respect people who don’t want children but i think it is sad to have a life without kids.I know many women who choose not to have children in their lives and now they are old miserable and lonely.They spend there days working since they are lonely and at their age they have no more family.I am 23 years am i am 100% sure i want children.
If you choose not to have children then who will visit you when you will be old or with who will you celebrate the holidays with? I’d rather have a family of my own and not end up lonely and bored.At least i will have grandkids and a fullfilling life someday.Some people here say they stop living when they have children and that is not true.If you want to go out and have fun why don”t you just babysit your kids.If you regret your kids then why have them? I know my life will still be the same.I will still do my regular activities and take care of myself .
My mother is almost 60 years old and looks very good and healthy for her age.She is slim and takes care of herself and looks better than most women of her age.Most of the women who have no kids are the ones who end up tired and wrinkly.It suprises me how many people on here regret being a parent since someday when you will wake up at 50 years old you will be proud to have your kids in your life to visit you.
To those who include reasons like this one: “then who will visit you when you will be old or with who will you celebrate the holidays with?”
THAT is the most selfish and fearful justification for bearing children that I have ever heard. Please think of better reasons before simply following norms and having kids, such as questioning whether you have the potential to care for another human being instead of just thinking about creating people to care for you and qualm your fear of dying “lonely and bored.”
Yet another example of an immature argument for parenthood. Who needs do the growing up here?
What if you don’t turn out to be a great parent, and/or your children don’t turn out to be great people. Having grandkids does not equate to simply having a fulfilling life. According to some of the honest comments above, kids are not always what you expect from the movies, no matter how much blood, sweat, time, and tears you put in. What if they don’t join you at your deathbed or on holidays? PLEASE THINK about the possible realities of having children instead of idealizing the concept. Would it still be worth it for the experience? The fleeting moments of love? I believe that for some the answer might still be yes. But if not then you should seriously reconsider.
How are you going to have grandkids? Are you going to force your children to have children?
Are you going to force your adult and possibly married children to spend holidays with you? What if your child chooses a different religion and celebrates differently at different times? What about the other family? So the In laws get no choice to spend holidays because you already mapped out your child’s life?
What if your child can’t have children? Will you make them adopt? Have surgery, IVF?
What if your child lives abroad because of a job, do you expect them to visit you regularly, take care of you in old age even if it completely inconvienaces them and their family?
I find it sad that you think having children is about what they can give you when they become adults.
You think it’s a sad life if you don’t have kids? Oh yeah, I’m SO miserable. With my friends with whom I can visit whenever I want (because I don’t have kids tying up my schedule), my free time that allows me to chill out and relax, and my pets who give me unconditional love. It’s just awful to not have any kids to pull me into debt. Yes. My life is TERRIBLY sad. Life with a full 8 hours sleep is just terrible.
I don’t think there is a right or wrong here when it comes to being a parent
I just think that it can be hell for the parent and the child. ( they both suffer)
It’s a matter of choice, but if you decide that you want children expect to give
up your life for the next 18 yrs or longer to put them first in your life. You do
give up things you would want because of them and their needs and wants.
It’s really a lifetime responsibility. And really a child needs two loving parents
who loves kids and parenting. They need this and I don’t think alot of parents
give this like they should…. I would say alot of parents that are parents should
not be parents. They don’t fit the role. Thank God if you are a good parent and
you have a loving relationship with your child. You are blessed, but unfortunately
it is not that way for everyone, I wish it was. So it is really a choice and what you
choose to do with it. this is what I think, don’t judge the ones that don’t want kids
It’s their choice and it’s how they feel.
First of all, great article. Just what I was looking for and needed to hear! Now for my comment:
1) What’s with parents claiming that those of us adults who have chosen not to have children are immature and need to grow up? Clinging to youth? Peter pans? I take offense to those statements. Have you EVER considered that an adult who makes the conscious decision to use birth control measures in order to prevent an unwanted birth is perhaps quite mature?
Maybe I won’t ever truly know the love you feel for your child, but I’m asserting that I know myself, my limits, and my potential, and I think I am making an educated decision not to have a child. I (maybe selfishly) do not wish to suffer the way many parents describe suffering, but I also (maybe selflessly) do not want to bring a child into the world that might suffer due to my mistakes, impatience, or neglect.
Therefore I think one also is required to GROW UP a little before making the decision NOT to have children.
2) We all have extremely different priorities, different life paths, and were born with different opportunities and advantages/disadvantages in pursuing our goals. Please do not place your desires and priorities on others. Even if you think your natural emotional urges are the same as everyone else’s, I can tell you they are not.
In the same vein, we all have a different perception of what is FULFILLING. Fulfillment is a highly subjective construct. I am offended when someone tells me I will miss out on a fulfilling life, as if there is only one avenue to fulfillment, only one way to fill that gaping hole in my soul that I didn’t realize was there until you told me what was missing! (sarcasm) smh
Children are a choice, if you want them, have them, if you don’t, don’t. I think some of the comments of people without kids are utterly bullocks. I am a peter pan syndrome with kids always being told to grow up, as per my birth certificate I’m an adult “duh.” So while you enjoy the white picket life, when my children are gone for the weekend I party like I’m 21, I travel the world and play golf
. Oh and I’m not on social assistance
It’s ok to regret having kids, it’s ok to not want to have kids , it’s also ok to love being a mother. Neither is better than the other. They are just different experiences, and they all require personal responsability. . The point is to be truthful with yourself about how you feel about where you are right now in life. The pressure of motherhood can sometime feel like the dead of part of out personal identity, it is ok to gief that aspect that is changing. Judging others for their opinion on having kids does nothing for anyone. I enjoyed reading the post. It is usful to observe how i feel about the subject personally. That’s all! (:
A-fu@king-men! I was recently called “selfish” because I HINTED that my husband and I do not want children. It confused the hell out of me and I thought about it for days. I went from being confused, to being offended, then back to being confused. Your article expressed what I have a difficult time saying.
There are so many unwanted children in the world. Why should I bring more children in the world when I already know I don’t want children? Why should I feel pressured into having kids? Life is good right now. Scratch that. Life is amazing right now. It gets better and better each day (work, finances, husband, etc.).
And as for the parents and family who keep pressuring me to have kids… I’d be making the biggest, and MOST STUPID decision of my life (our lives) to have a child just to please my family. First of all, it’s my body. Second of all, my husband I will be the ones that have to deal with diapers, health bills, waking up early every day, back talking, costs of having a child, etc. not the lame family members who want a playmate or a grandchild they can see a few times a year. If they want a playmate or a young child in their lives, then THEY should have their own kids, more kids, adopt kids, whatever. Leave me the hell alone. My life is good and I don’t want kids messing it up.
My dog is the perfect child. He sits when I tell him to. He eats his food when I put it out. He goes to his bed when it’s bed time or when I’m busy. He actually even puts away his toys (yes, I taught him that). He doesn’t talk back. He doesn’t need help with his homework. I have no stretch marks from him. I can cuddle with him when I want. He brings a lot of joy and laughter to my life and my husband’s life.
I really wish people would stop instilling their values upon me. I don’t pressure them to get a dog. I don’t pressure them to travel the world and have fun without their rug rats. I don’t frown upon them for not moving up their the corporate ladder or career, like I have. I live my life the way I want to… because, guess what? It’s MY life. And I’m willing to bet I’m probably happier than most.
My life, my choice.
Thanks for the article. Well said.
One more thing… regarding the Peter Pan comments, just because we choose not to have children does not mean we’re not willing to grow up and not willing to accept responsibilities.
I wake up early every single morning, rain or shine, weekends and holidays, busy work day, etc. to take my dog out for a walk, feed him and practice the tricks he knows, play with him, etc. I do this all over again at night. I plan my weekends, holidays, work out schedules, etc. around his schedule and his existence. I bathe him, cover him with a blanket at night, take him to the vet for routine check ups and when he’s not feeling well. I brush his teeth, refill his water, buy his food, look at the nutrition label for everything I give him. I inspect his toys to make sure there’s nothing he can choke on. Etc., etc., etc.
I work so that I can pay my mortgages (yes, I own more than one home), credit cards, car payment, and things my dog needs.
Parenthood isn’t the only type of responsibility that exists.
If you feel like you should have never been a parent and you regret your children…well that your fault. Should of kept it in your pants. Everybody knows how sex works…
Well, as long a we’re being gracious about it, I guess that’s the important thing…
Hey, it’s not like condoms can break and pills can fail or anything… Heck, my friend’s husband had a freaking vasectomy, and by some weird accident, a sperm kind of happened to slip out, and now she’s tied down with a 1 year old. My point is…S*** happens.
I think your article was very informative, the people below seem like parents too afraid to admit that they sometimes get over whelmed and just want their children to disappear. I am currently too young to have children but I have even decided on just not having kids. Yes it would be nice to have a child with my husband, however there is also the point of what if I can’t raise them properly? Not having children doesn’t always mean you are selfish, it can also mean that you’re doing the world a favor and not bringing another messed up kid into this word. I respect this because most women end up taking care of the children so our lives get put on the back burner. I saw my mom struggle raising my 4 sisters and I alone. She was in constant pain and agony, sorry if I don’t want that.
Parenthood is for some and not for others, I don’t think it was ever for me
You give up too much of your own life for the sake of others. and this is for
years. And who knows when you can actually start back to living your own
life again for yourself? it’s a day in day out struggle just to get thru it and it
is the hardest thing you will ever ever have to do in your life. No for me I wish
that I would have stayed childless. I probably would have been more satisfied
and more content today. To each his own, but for me it has been a long and
hard road. If you have children that are happy and pleasant & a joy to be around
then that might be different. It would just depend on your situation.
I just wanted to comment on here, why in the hell would anyone want
to have children and ruin the good life that they already had? That’s
just how I feel and think. And not too much that you might also ruin
the child’s life too. By having them and maybe finding out later in life
that you shouldn’t have had children in the first place. So you and the
child will be suffer as a result of this. You need to think long and hard
about this decision because it affects the rest of your life. You really
might regret it from now on. And then it’s too late to change it. You
don’t know how things will turn out, think long and hard about it, don’t
jump into it. For the ones that life has turned out good for, good for you
but the ones where it hasn’t I’m very sorry that your life is so miserable
now. I really am. Maybe someday things will be better hopefully…..
Anyone that tries to tell you that having children is a dream come true
has got to be nuts! It is just not that way at all. And you better not fall
for their lies. There is so much to do and it is never ending, and you
think when your children are grown that things will calm down, not true
either. In fact they are worse when they are grown. And if you have a
child that wants to live off of their parents and never work or do anything
with their life but be lazy then you really have got problems. I thought
that when your children got grown that they was suppose to help out
and try to go out and be on their own. Not So!! You just dont know what
you get into until you have been there. There is more bad than good when
it comes to having children. I could go on and on about it. If you don’t have
any you will never be more free than you are right now, think about that it
is PRICELESS, no amount of money can but that. Good luck!
Not specifically addressed to anyone in particular –
But I’m just AMAZED by how strongly OTHER people feel about MY life and whether or not I want to have children, should have children, etc.
I don’t want to have children. Why can’t people just accept it and leave it be? You do what makes you happy. I’ll do what makes me happy.
I don’t tell you that you “shouldn’t have had kids”… so don’t tell me that I “should have kids.”
Anonymous, don’t let other people tell what you should do with
your life. Because in the long run you are going to be the one
WHO will suffer if you have them. Not the ones that are talking
and telling you what to do. Because you’ve only got 1 life to live
and if you make the wrong decision then you WILL be the one
that will pay and believe me you will pay for a long time. You
will be unhappy and miserable from now on. Be there, done
that. you will be trying to make everyone happy but you. Just
a piece of advice from someone who knows. Don’t do it….
Reasons not to have kids. You lose your freedom completely, your relationship with your husband ends, more financial stress and believe me as they get older it gets worse much
worse because they won’t settle for cheap, it has to be the best. And if they give you lots
of trouble then you are really in for it. My child makes trouble for me & my husband all the
time. She throws fits when she don’t get her way. She is disrespectful to us both. She has
even fought us. She has no ambition and will not help at home and she has no plans to
ever work. She is home all the time and won’t go anywhere unless we take her. And she
thinks money grows on trees. She is so lazy. She doesn’t want me & my husband to do
anything together or even talk to each other. I have got mad at him for letting this to go
on like it has. Children should be a pleasure, not a hassle. i hate marriage and parenthood
I could go on and on but I won’t. You need to think about it before you do it, I’m glad for the
ones that have good families and children. But not everyone is that fortunate.
Who are all these judgmental idiots pushing the idea of parenthood onto those who’ve made the decision not to have children??? I’m willing to suggest that the majority of troubled children in existence are “unwanted children” so if you don’t want children, do yourselves, the kids and the rest of the world a favour DON’T HAVE ANY! Similarly, stop trying to tell parents they regret their kids, obviously just begging for trouble….
There is no way that I would have ever had children had I known what I
know now about it. Children can make your life a living hell if they are bad
children and disobient to you. If you can not talk to them and they will not
listen to you, then you will have a hell of a time. And I don’t care what any
one says about you regretting having them. If your child makes your life
upsetting all the time, why would you NOT regret it? You know if your child
keeps turmoil going all the time you are NOT going to like it. I mean, who
would? Would you? Ask yourself that question, if it was you in my place.
Your response might be different then. Anyone can love someone who is
loveable that’s easy, but when they’re not, then that’s totally different.No,I
would NEVER do it again, EVER!!!! And I feel VERY strong about too. Just
wanted to tell my story, I would have never imagined that having children
could be this way not in 100 years. You would have never made me believe
that it could be this bad. But it is. I hope you never have to experience this.
I wouldn’t wish it on somebody that I hated.
Sounds like another child who had one.
To “My Story”
Thank you for having the courage to say what very few parents are willing to admit.
Thanks for being honest on the forum and to yourself. While some people here don’t appreciate it, I do.
I’m childless by choice and I’m glad to finally hear other perspectives. Thank you.
Sorry if I don’t want to screw my life up like some many already have.
i like kids.they’re great with a little salt and tobasco sauce
What i’m describing is what i see.i’m not implying that nobody should have kids or that everyone’s situation is the same-i’m single and don’t want kids for a number of reasons/some call it selfishness but that really doesn’t make sense.a person is generally only considered as being selfish if they’re effecting someone by way of their actions. .but doing something or not doing something to solely benefit one’s health or emotions or mental state or lifestyle isn’t and can’t be termed as selfish imo. saying that someone is selfish because they don’t want kids is like saying that the person that doesn’t drink coffee is a bad person for not supporting the coffee industry or the farmers that grow the stuff.//it just doesn’t hold water.//i don’t want kids and never did,because i always saw how it effected my friends and their friends and my sister and her friends and how it effected my neighbors in every apartment complex i’ve lived in..not to mention the customers that had kids in every store i ever went into..through out my life(and i’m over 40 now),i clearly saw how my single friends got tied down by having kids.no more coming and going when they wanted to.they had to,with no questions asked,answer to the obligation of that daily presence with their kids,at home,dealing with their school work,their noise,their health,their playtime,their very presence had to be monitored nearly 24/7.the frustration,the look of relief when the kids were put to bed and finally my best friend who had been playing daddy could finally visit with me and converse..and what did i hear about for nearly the whole time we visited..stories about his kids and wife and yada yada yada..so many times i’ve seen neighbors between 7 and 8am going out to their car with their kids taking them to school yelling at their kids to”get in the damn car”!! (and worse)//i’ve watched how parents sit in restaurants and let their kids run around the dining room unaware that it’s bothering other customers.i’ve watched how my sister and her friends take care of their kids and the stress and aggrivation and how exhausted they get in a short amount of time.i see the crap on television that i would not want my kids(if i had any) to watch,which includes the nightly news now days btw..but i also know they’d wind up seeing all of it,if not at home then at someone else’s home.i read the news about molestations and violence in general and liberal tv programs that display sights and sounds unfit for adult eyes much less for kids./i understand that the love for children rises above all of these things at least that’s what i hear from my my friends that talk about their children.but..it seems like the stress much overrides the happy times//having kids just isn’t for me.i’m used to being an individual who is free socially to do whatever i want at anytime ./if i ever get lonely it’s only because everybody has kids and can’t hang out anymore/
Not all kids end up being good adults. Wonderful, self-less parenting can’t guarantee the outcome. I don’t have kids of my own, but it’s real hard to be proud of my 2 nephews that are total losers, both are in their early 30′s. The older one went in the Army, got out, quickly got married, had a kid, and then he got busted (he knew it was coming before getting married, but didn’t bother to share that detail with his fiance’). After 5 yrs in a state pen halfway across the country, he comes home to the wife & kid like nothing happened, and proceeds to pump out 3 more kids. As an ex-con nobody will hire him, so he doesn’t work. He was a good kid, got good grades and never missed a day of school, but apparently that alone doesn’t make you become a good adult. The younger nephew has never held a job and tried feigning injuries to get Social Security Disability (he works hard at not having to work!), He has 3 kids by different women and he abandoned the first kid. Today, he, his girlfriend, and the other 2 kids are leeches on his father (my brother). My brother got divorced after these two grew up, his wife was a total a$$hole, and he put up with her for the sake of the kids, but that wasn’t worth it after all. So tell me again, why do we think every kid in this world is such a blessing?
No there is no guarantee with having a child & no you cannot blame
the parents for the way a child turns out. Because they are some good
parents out there. Yes, there are some children that turn out to be well
mannered respectable responsible adults.I know that people tend to
want to blame the parents and even the children do, but I don’t believe
this. I think you have to take responsibility for your own actions. And I
think the children will have to want to change in order for their lives to
improve and if they don’t, then it won’t happen. You have to quit feeling
sorry for yourself and want to be and do better. Stop blaming your parents
for your life. Why complain all the time and never put any effort out. No
every child that is born is NOT a blessing. I think people lie about how
it is to have children, when in real life it’s not this way at all. It’s not all
rosey, like they say it is. And it never will be.
I totally agreed
Many great comments on this topic, but weighing the pros and cons I think
that the cons outweigh the pros on this topic. If you knew beforehand what
you would be facing then you could tell if you really wanted kids but since
that is not possible then you just have to hope that things will turn out like
you want them to. And to me that is just too much of a gamble to bet on.
The only way would-be parents will know what it’s genuinely like to raise a child is when society not only accepts, but welcomes negative/critical reviews on child raising. People generally report life with a child through rose coloured glasses, leading to would-be parents being duped into mostly seeing the positive side of having children, then feeling shunned for daring to speak the truth on just how life-sapping the whole process can be.
For a guy like you I am sure it comes down to – do you get more than you gain by having a kids. You suspect the answer is no. I think the answer is overwhelmingly yes for well adjusted grown-ups with a capacity to love that has nothing to do with their genitals (beyond that start). but if you think that your material needs and ‘hipster’ lifestyle are more important than unconditional love -then yup don’t have kids.
I totally agree with Andrew. JoeM are being judgmental and stereotyping. If you are a great parents who share unconditional love with your children, that is great for you and your kid. I hope your kid share that love back to you but here we are speaking the truth.
If you think you are happy with the parents job, then congratulation. But not everyone are happy dealing with it and once we decide not to have children, that doesn’t automatically make us people who think that material needs and ‘hipster’ lifestyle are more important. I spend my time with my parents. I love them back. They are happy and okay with me choose to be childfree. They are great parents. I don’t see how my love towards my parents is conditional. I love them not because they provide for me because they are great parents. I don’t go ‘gaga gigi goo’ with my nephews but I know if ever my brother or sister needs any financial help in the future I will definitely help them if it is within my capability. I am sure I am a well adjusted grown-up with a capacity to love because I have great parents and I choose to be childfree in my life.
Although what you said is not very nice, I still hope for the best for you. And I won’t say something not nice just so you can accept my points of view. Have a good day. =)
I have known, since I was 10, that I did not want to be a mother. I am now nearly 37. Nothing has changed; if anything, I feel even more strongly about this. Women (and men) like us DO exist!
I have less than zero interest in having kids, raising kids, or raising someone else’s kids. That’s not my job, nor is it my life’s path.
When it comes to kids, I have the same regard for them that I would for cats: Some are OK. Some are assholes. I can be in the same room with them, as long as they don’t start hovering around my ankles and try to get in my lap. If they do, I’ll promptly and gently remove them.
Funny how people without kids all seem to get a dog or a cat. I know, off topic – but there is that drive to care for something helpless in all of us.
Just how have you be capable of construct this type of great masses regarding commenters to your website?
Your blog stats some valid points about how having children is not a selfless act, most parents will say they had a child to feel complete, and because of the joy that they get from them, these are selfish reasons to have a child, it is for the benefit of the parent that the child is bought into the world. So, why is remaining childfree any less selfish than having children, everyone is doing what they think will give them the most happiness in life, but because parents have to work so hard for their happiness, the childfree are seen as lazy and selfish because we are blissfully happy most of the time without having to go through the daily drudgery (parents words, not mine) of raising a child. If the population was dying out and I was still reluctant to use my uterus to help populate the planet then that would be selfish. But making an informed choice based on the fact that I know my personality would not be suited to parenthood deserves a bit more respect. It drives me mad that some of my parent friends get so outraged and upset about child abuse stories, but will encourage every Tom, Dick and Harry to have kids. If the childfree were just left alone and not pressured so much and just allowed to go with their instinct on the subject without pressure, their would be far less unwanted or abused kids on the already full planet.
Not everybody has the same personality, and not everybody will enjoy being a parent, because everyone is different and everyone finds joy and happiness from different means. If all you ever wanted to do was be a mummy and bake cookies and make playdough with a little one, you will probably enjoy being a parent a lot more than somebody who has big ambitions to climb mountains or sail around the world. No two people are the same, do what you FEEL is best for you.
**Standing and clapping**
You beautifully put into words exactly how I feel.
I’ve never in my life heard anybody be referred to as selfish for not having/wanting children. How absurd. I always said I never wanted children, I really had no interest and would rather have spent my time pleasing myself and having some spare cash to treat myself whenever I felt like it…but I fell pregnant and decided to keep the child. For me it was the best decision I ever made and I have gone on to have another. It’s incredibly hard, very expensive and really does test my patience at the best of times but it has changed my life for the better. I suffered from depression for many years prior to having my son (also suffered PND for nearly 12 months after) but now my whole outlook on life has changed, they make me happy. I’m not saying it’s for everyone and I’m not trying to change anybodies mind, hell if you’ve had kids and regret it that’s on you – in a way I can see why people do, but for me this is how it is. There are many times when I think if they weren’t here maybe I could afford a better house or car, I could go out at weekends or just swan off when I felt like it but at the end of the day I’d rather live for them and keep them happy, and in turn they make me happy in a different way to how I was happy before.
I’m still shocked over the ‘selfish’ remark, I really don’t get it!
Interesting read though.
I have been told numerous times that it is selfish for me not to have children. Usually by strangers during discussions but a couple of times by friends who are no longer my friends and a by a few extended family members.
Luckily I was never harassed to have children by my parents, or my husband’s parents. They accept our decision and don’t expect us to provide grandchildren or excitement for them in their old age.
I have also been told on more than one occasion that it was my duty to procreate as I am well off, intelligent and reasonably attractive. Like I should provide some blue eyed baby to the world just because I can and that my choice not to is depriving the world??? How sick is that?
It is refreshing to have someone like you who doesn’t judge and you are lucky to have such great acquaintances that you’ve never heard people like me being called selfish for my choice.
First of all having children is a choice and as to why some people have them is their own business because the bottom line is at the end of the day they are the parents of their children. When you speak of being selfish that can go many different ways. If a person choose not to has child because they don’t like children or simply are not ready foe a child I don’t consider that selfish, but what I consder selfish is when a person has a child knowing they are not financially or mentally able or ready to parent that child and it is selfish when a person brings a child into the world just to obtain welfare money, for the child or just to try to use that child to keep a man.In regards to children being ungrateful and out of control unfortunately this comes with raising immature little adults inside of little.bodies. One cannot base one experience on every child because every child is different. And you cannot assume that everyone feels the way that you do.That is wrong and that is what I call being selfish.Selfish is a state of mind, something one chooses to be.I have three daughters and yes at times they make me mad, get on my nerves, frustrate me and they make me wanna run out of the house but there are aloe of times they make me laugh, make me happy and we have good times together. I would never be the same without them.I believe that everyone is not mentioned to be parents such as yourself and just because you are a woman does not mean that you have to give birth.So never feel guilty about not wanting or not ever having a child. It is by choice not just because.
The worst thing about having a child is everything you ever did before it ends,
And for some people that is a drastic change and may be a change that you
do not like. So please don’t fault me or these others.
Some would have been better off for themselves & the kids would have too
If they would have never become parents. Not everyone is cut out for it. I think
that both the parents & child both suffer as having the kind of life that they could
have had. Sometimes you would be better off not to have any if you can’t give the
child a great family that the child deserves. Yes it’s a choice that you make but is
it always the right one? For the parent and child? Maybe the parents life would
have been better without the child. Just what I think.
Hi! *waves*
I thank you for your courage. There are so many judgmental buttfaces walking around the Earth who make me extremely angry. For me, I don’t want to have kids of my own. I don’t want to go through the whole pregnancy process and endure hours and hours of labor pain and all that. No, thank you. Instead, I’d like to adopt children, preferably those who are older than two or three. But I live in a conservative environment, and not many share the same opinions as I do. The other day, I was talking to my friend, and another friend of mine, a guy, walked past us and told me something teasingly. My friend then said, “Oh, I remember that guy from last semester!” and I replied with a “Yeah. Omg, He’s such a sweetheart.” She then told me that I should marry him and get it over with. It sorta made me mad that she would think that. Just because I think a guy’s a sweetheart doesn’t mean I am attracted to him or think of him romantically. It’s like how gossip magazines make up rumors of celeb romances just because a guy and a girl who aren’t romantically involved are hanging out. Can’t a guy and a girl be just friends? Moreover, I’m asexual, but knowing how my friend thinks, I didn’t say it to her directly (plus, I don’t think she’s heard of the term). Instead, I told her that I’m not planning on getting married, at least not anytime soon, and that I don’t want children of my own. She then looked at me incredulously. Why is it so hard to believe that there are women who don’t want to get pregnant? This is the twenty-first century, for God’s sake! There’s so much more for women than there was a century ago!
Furthermore, I just can’t wait to see the look on my maternal and paternal grandparents’ faces when, or if, I tell them. Le sigh.
very simple.. don’t want kids… don’t have sex. But I guess that is too difficult because people want to do what they like but when there are results that require some hard work… run for the hills!! … too difficult…too time consuming… too much responsibility! Whine whine whine.
As for the parents who want their kids dead or gone … well maybe you should give them up for adoption now. And quick! I hope those kids never find out how the parent that they believe loves them and has their back in all situations truly feels about them. Enough attrocities happen to kids by terrible parents and there are many parents who would love to have children but can’t.
“Don’t want kids…don’t have sex” BULL! Don’t want kids, have all the sex you want but don’t get pregnant, or get an abortion.
Would you want your mom to hate having had you? What if she felt pressured into keeping the kid instead of being able to give it up for adoption? Aren’t there enough messed up kids in the world? Terrible parents committing atrocities on innocent, yet unwanted kids? You seem to say that in your post. Wouldn’t it be better if there wasn’t all those unwanted kids?
It takes a much more responsible person to search themselves and if they find that there is no way they could tolerate having a child, to do whatever it takes to not have one. Having sex must not/should not = having a baby.
If you know you will be a horrible parent, don’t let anyone tell you that you will change your mind. Isn’t it better to NOT take that chance when the results have consequences for the very child you didn’t want? If there is a fifty-fifty chance that you will either adore being a parent or detest being a parent, isn’t it best to not take that chance? If you don’t have one, no harm no foul. If you do have one, and you adore it, fantastic. If you do have one and you detest it, you are not the only one who will have to suffer with your decision.
If you have a horrible disease that will be more than likely to be passed to your child, especially if your mate has a condition that would also add to the likeliness of passing it to your child, don’t have a child. Your desire to have a child does not overrule a child’s right to begin life as healthy as possible. Your desire to have a child, even if YOU accept the possibility of a child born with some horrific illness that will cause increasing pain leading to a very early death, just so you can say he squeezed my finger or smiled at me and that is a miracle, is only cruel and selfish, and it was probably only gas.
And if you are unable to conceive, yet you go through IVF or other, and finally conceive. Don’t call it a miracle, it was science. And if you have 8 eggs fertilized, don’t call it a miracle, it was science. It’s only a miracle if you have never had any medical intervention and still managed to end up with 8 fertilized eggs.
How many parents sat down together and worked out the various pros and cons of having a kid? How many decided the best way to raise a kid is by not having to force living a life below the poverty level on it, having both parents wanting the kid and participating in raising it, (which includes knowing how much work it is and accepting that condition)?
How many women wanted a baby even if their mate didn’t and ‘oopsed’ him rationalizing it as “he will love it once it’s born”? How many babies are born that are accidentally conceived? Whether by not using birth control or failure of birth control, then failure of the morning-after pill, then failing to get an abortion, (either because it is outlawed where you live, is too expensive, or whatever peer or religious pressure put on you), yet still it called a miracle and a gift from God? Again, it’s science, not a miracle.
And lastly, for now, how many women had sex with that super-hot, bad boy, got pregnant, then are all shocked and pissed off because he isn’t mature or responsible enough to act like a father, but you will make him pay for the next 18 years?
@ I hate being a mother…They fight, scream and demand all the time. I am so unhappy. Noone tells you how awful it is to be a mother. noone!
Funny, I wonder how long it will take her to connect the cause (her negative approach) with the effect (fighting children)?
I found there is three types of parents: those who love their kids and love to raise them (that does not mean they stay at home, they just love kids). Those who have kids in order to learn how to love, in general (being unaware that this is the reason why they ended up with kids). And those who just use kids as a trashcan for their own unhandled issues in life.
“Having children means sacrifice.” That is a question of attitude, if you want to see it that way, that is your choice. It’s a question of priorities and a decision.
I too subscribed to this way of thinking until I had twin girls. They a’re the the most amazing things in my life. The only problem is o had them with an evil succubus sent from hell to suck my soul from my carcass. I have been the single Dad if seeminfly five cChildren although I have only the twins. She had kids with every man she met. None stayed because of the torture.. I will because my children turned out to be the most amazing thing ever. I wouldn’t change a thing because I would lose them.
The original article isn’t well written bc the title insinuates the author has kids and regrets them, then the article goes on to state the author has no children. Really the author is just one person though, so not making much difference. The appalling part is the vast majority of comments why ppl shouldn’t be parents. “My parents failed” “This is hard” “No one tells you”. That’s right! No one is perfect NOT EVEN CLOSE, nothing worth doing is easy, and parents usually have the decency to withhold just what a turd you freaking were! Talk about putting yourself in other ppl’s shoes, try imagining what your kid will feel if s/he finds out you said this garbage about them someday. Honestly, no matter how hard some days are, there are others that more than make up for it. It’s called being human, being there to help the younger generation thrive to the best of your abilities, as long as there’s no malice you’re winning. On the upside, all of you purposely choosing not to have children (and I surmise from your petty arguments that many of you are not old enough to be making that decision yet anyway) are nature’s way of stemming the tide. To each his own!;)
Cate, your assumptions are wrong. I’m childless by choice. I’m in my 30s (what you would probably define as “old enough to be making that decision”). I don’t LIKE babies or children. I have no desire to be around them 24/7. In my younger days, I have have tutored and babysat elementary school students. I have also been trained and have counseled elementary, junior high and high school students. I just don’t care for children. It has nothing to do with it “being difficult,” or being imperfect. My parents did not fail. I’m a college graduated, with a high paying career; I’m a responsible homeowner. I pay my taxes. I’m a law abiding citizen. Heck, I even volunteer on a regular basis. There’s nothing wrong with choosing to be childless.
There’s nothing wrong about letting others know that sometimes, people regret having children. There are always various opinions. Censoring the truth prohibits others from making sound decisions on important issues such as whether or not they should have children. Do you really want everyone to have children? There are some really screwed up people (i.e. child molesters) in the world. Would you really want them to reproduce?
Having children or not being a parent is NOT for everyone, no matter what anyone
says. And for those who are married, it doesn’t always bring the family closer either
Not true at all. In some cases it may cause the husband & wife to drift more apart.
And staying together for the sake of the children isn’t idea either. And if you are
going to have children make sure you really do want them, because a child needs
2 loving parents to give them the best life possible.There is more to it than just having
a child. It’s a lifelong committment, and there is much involved in it. Both the parents
and child deserve this. It’s a life changing decision, so please consider it wisely.
Some of the attitudes towards people who choose to not have children are appalling.
I have known I didn’t want kids since I was 9 – and that hasn’t changed now I’m 24. My mother didn’t want me but was forced to keep me by her (now ex) abusive husband. She then found out why he’d been so keen- he sexually abused me at a very young age until I was able to tell her. Of course she got me out of that situation and I know she loves me, but it certainly doesn’t mean she would have me again and I wouldn’t want her to!
Me and my partner both make minimum wage. Together, we have enough money to rent a house, pay our bills, and buy food, with a small amount left over for essentials like clothing. We can’t even afford a car- so why would we bring a child into that mix? Even if I wanted kids, I would think twice about that as I grew up poor enough to not always have enough food and for all of my clothes to be secondhand, and it was crap. I wouldn’t want to do that to another kid.
It angers me that people assume that just because I am childfree, I am immature and hedonistic. I do not go out clubbing or partying – in fact I have not been drunk in 5/6 years. I have no extra money to dine out unless you count one takeaway a month paid between both of us. (that, incidentally, is £20 a month so not enough to “give to the baaayyyyybeeeeee”).
I pay my bills on time, look after my pets, look after my house, and work every shift. I don’t exactly call that immature. Not having a child doesn’t make me any less mature, any more than having one makes you magically gain the skills you require to parent.
Add all of these factors to the bonus fact of me being hugely phobic of pregnancy and childbirth in general, and I think having kids is not for me. Let’s face it, there are plenty of people contributing to overpopulation every day- I think the world will manage without my offering. So just relax! It’s awesome if you feel your child is worth adding to the population; perhaps they will do great things one day. However its also possible they’ll turn into murderers or rapists or be just plain traumatised by something you did when they were 6, so for me that isn’t a risk I’ll be taking. Live and let live, people. Kids may be our future, but we are the present. Represent humanity well.
I say leave the ones alone who don’t want kids, they have a reason or reasons
why they don’t want them. it is their choice and we need to respect them for the
choice they have made. It is not for everyone, and whether you agree or disagree
with their choice, it is their life and they are the one who needs to live it not you.
Ling Ling Ling Ling Ling Ling Ling!
I just wanted to say that I fully respect your opinion and that there is nothing selfish about wanting or not wanting children. I am a few years shy of thirty and I do not have any children. As long as I can remember I have always looked forward to getting married and having children…up until probably the last few months. My parents did a horrible job raising me, I understand that we don’t come with a manual when we are born (well at least not when I was born) but I now have so much anger towards them because of the bad choices they maid bringing me up. So back to my recent change of thought… I love children but aside from all of the time they consume, the hardest thing for me is the thought of failing as a parent like my parents have done (and now get mad at me because I am not like some of their friends children… Because their friends were better parents) I do however disagree with some of the parents who complain about how awful their own children are. These parents are somewhat like mine, they don’t accept responsibility for the actions they teach their own children. I know plenty of parents who have happy, respectful, and loving children who get along with their siblings and even at a young age are very well behaved. On the other hand I also know some parents whith children who are so bad they won’t take them out in public. With both groups there is the same cause for their children’s behavior….. THE PARENTS. Better parents raise better children, if you aren’t ready to give up anything necessary to raise a child, then parenting is not for you, but don’t blame the child for your own bad behavior. Sorry if I am rambling, it makes sense to me I hope it makes sense to you as well.
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So many narcissistic parents on this blog… WOW … it’s not about you you selfish self centered piece of shit. When you have kids, regardless of accident, you raise them. You love them. You are seriously a piece of shit and your kids pick up on your not wanting them. You’re a fucking piece of shit seriously. I can already tell you have ruined your childs life by being a selfish liberal cunt. Guilt ed into having children? Close your legs slut.
Gee whiz, Wally! So tell us now how you REALLY feel. And don’t hold back.
Everyone’s situation is different, it is good for some to have children and for
some it is not. It is not good for the parents or the child, this is just being a
realist about it. Children need parents who love them and who can give them
a good life. Also you need to look at how it will affect the parents life, is it what
is best for them? This is a life changing event and there is more to it than just
having a baby. You need to love, & care for that child until he is grown. It is a
responsibility as well. Just think about it before you do it. Everyone is different.
Thank you! Oh praise be to toast, thank you!
Hi, Thank you for daring to say what others are afraid to say. Thanks for being the black sheep, and I love this post. I feel to each their own, I think its natural for people ‘not’ to want children. I think its great if they do, and naturally through all the hell you go through..you love them. Sometimes they are angels and sometimes they are hellions. but parents love their children or should love their children to say the least.
I don’t think its selfish to want to live your life instead of having children, with times changing and many goals to achieve it’s great to think of oneself and care for yourself before you can take on the responsibility of caring for others. It can alter the way one parents a child. such as: pressure on children living vicariously through them, blaming them for not being able to full fill your dreams, etc etc. I’m not painting everyone with the same brush..this may or may not be true. Nonetheless I enjoyed this post, I think its great to get it out there.
Well and concisely said. I would only take issue with the notion that the choice is to live your life or have children. It is a sad commentary on Western culture that these are seen by so many as mutually exclusive options.
Every choice we make contributes to the life we live, be that starting your own business, volunteering at a non-profit, getting married, shooting heroin, running marathons, accepting employment at a Fortune 500 corporation, playing in a rock band, sleeping around, running the streets, joining the military, or robbing banks. These, like every choice, carry with them tradeoffs between long term and short term gratification, security and freedom.
None of them, having children included, prevents us from living our life. With rare exception, they all are our own choices, and through them we choose the life we live.
Some would see an executive career at Apple as finally getting the good life. Others would see that as losing it entirely. Neither is an absolute truth or falsehood. Both are legitimate perspectives.
The fool and the king will on occasion, in quieter moments, wonder. But at the break of every new day, they both again choose their station.
I find this entire topic very interesting, albeit difficult to palate at times. I am am mom of two, and I do not regret having children. That being said, there have been times where life was not going well where I did momentarily think “gawdddd, why did I do this?!” but that was largely in part due to a difficult marriage, difficult family circumstances, and not nearly enough money to make life easier, not because I actually regretted my children.
Most of the time when I am in a funk, they are the only people who can make me smile, and they do so with love for me in their eyes that I hope never goes away.
I don’t think it’s right that people judge others for having/not having children. It’s YOUR life! Do with it what you want. I think the only selfish thing is to force something on someone that they do not want, be that having children or not having children.
This world is made up of all different kinds of people, and we each do what we think is best.
I also hate these stupid labels that people keep slapping on anyone who does not conform to the cookie cutter world we live in… depressed, mentally ill, post partum…. that is all bullshit. Yes, these are real issues that many people have, but it does not mean that everyone who does not love being a parent has a problem in their head.
Life is never what we expect it to be. We cannot plan nor prepare for everything that will be tossed our way, and people make mistakes! I think things would be a hell of a lot better off it we would all stop judging, stop ridiculing and keep our nasty opinions to ourselves.
Ridiculing people for regrets or ridiculing people for not procreating does nothing positive for that person, and serves only to further alienate them.
I am sorry for all of you who wish you had never had children.. I am sorry for your sadness, frustration, exhaustion and regret. I hope that in time your lives all turn around and that you will once again be able to enjoy your children.
I am also sorry for all of you who do not have children who are ridiculed. The only thing worse than having regrets is to NOT have regrets, and be flogged for it. Nobody has any right to judge you and you should not be ridiculed. You are entitled to not want to have children, and that does NOT make you selfish, or any of that other rubbish.
Take care all of you, and best wishes.
It is selfish to have children to provide you with the future you want, i.e., to provide your with love and affection, to fill your life, to provide loved ones at holidays, to provide care or friendship for you in old age, etc. You should not count on a child to provide for you or to expect or burden your offspring with that. If you can’t do these things on your own, for yourself, maybe you shouldn’t be having children. Fill your life with you own adventures and interests, live your own dreams, give love and get love from peers, family, friends, keep your relationships strong by being a good person and including good people in your life, save enough money for long-term care. If you happen to have kids make them a part of this….but these reasons are a pathetic reason to bring another person into this world….think about it, having a child is for your own benefit.
It’s me again, I just posted above. In thinking about it some more, the ridiculous argument that childless by choice means one is selfish or immature. Perhaps the childless by choice are more thoughtful and pragmatic. It is selfish to have a child bc you want to experience raising a child or having a family, bc you want this greatest or unconditional love, bc you want this learning and teaching experience with a child. It is selfish bc it is all about what you want as the parent. No “never born child” wants these things or regrets not being born, no “never born child” yearns for the connection you are trying to make when you have this child. You want to live on in your child and fulfill a primitive biological need. You want to prove you can do it, you want to keep up with all your friends who are doing it, you want to compete with your parents by doing a better job than they did, you want to compete with your neighbors by having the best, brightest, prettiest, most talented kid, by having a kid that is the kid or adult you never were, nor could ever be. It’s all for you. You ever rationalize that you are doing a great service for mankind by bringing in this wondrous, extraordinary person onto this planet. Nope, just one in 7 billion, not much different than most everyone else here. And even more selfishly, you are creating an extra burden on the planet and society. You are fulfilling your biological need to procreate. It is selfish to give birth to a child when there are too many people stressing this planet. It is selfish to add to the mindless consumerism and destruction caused by an out of control population. Don’t have kids. That’s not selfish. And if you really want to be selfless, adopt, there are children that need love and family and connection and food and water that are living a sad and parentless life.
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Given the witch doctor advert above and the same for an herbal supplement below, is it safe to assume at this point that the amazing (I would have never predicted) outpouring of response to this post has finally run out of steam?
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I agree with this article! You hit the nail on the head by saying that having kids is selfish. People do it to avoid loneliness, impress / fit in with neighbors, and make themselves feel better with a sense of purpose. How dare them call me selfish for not wanting kids!
As a matter of fact, fear of too much stress is not my main motive for avoiding procreation. I enjoy making kids laugh and entertaining them. One reason I do not want a child is because I fear it will suffer from whatever mistakes I make. Also, I want to be SELFLESS and use my resources to take care of my own parents!
So the next time anybody wants to judge someone for not procreating, you better pray it is not me. I will come at your throat (well, not literally, but verbally) and do everything in my power to embarrass you for your self-righteous fantasy.
Although this comment isn’t EXACTLY about this article, I think it supports it. I think every person is unique and parenthood should be a case-by-case basis. Let’s admit it, from the reverse end of this article, some people SHOULDN’T be parents. Either you’ve heard a horror story about a neighbor, or even your own parents were monsters. Children are a commitment and not for your pleasure. I commend anyone who thinks long and hard about this commitment and has the courage to admit that they don’t want to take that on. I am a 24 year old women and I have, so far, had zero desire to have children. I have only one life to live, and I will do what I think is right for me. To me, it isn’t about proving that having children is horrible, only that I might not choose that path for my life, and I shouldn’t take sh*t for it. You live your life, and I’ll live mine.
Wonderful article. My husband and I are currently grappling with weather or not to have a child. It really just looks like it sucks… ironically I am writing this whilst I sit in a restaurant relaxed and enjoying a nice cup of tea and meal and there is a cild nearby having a massive tantrum screaming at the top of his lungs annoying the hell out of everyone. I assume because the brat was denied something it wanted. Every time I go shopping I get a chilling reminder of why I have not yet procreated. I’m sorry but it’s the truth.
Why in the hell would anybody want a misbehaving disrespectful selfish lazy brat?
Just one more problem to add to your life. No hell, no thanks. What to screw up
things more.
You sound just like your mother.
so are you saying your parents regret you because you were such an awful mistake? I have 2 daughter’s myself, and because unlike you fools who don’t know how to parent, I love them. My eldest just finished university and is working as an RN (she even saved up her part time wages while in university and surprised me with a 22 carat earring set, 18 grams none the less!!). Youngest is studying social work at an equally prestigious university. I’m afraid failure just breeds more failure, which in your case seems to ring true.
Why must you insult him? Why must you say he is a failure bc he is trying to explain why he does not plan on having children? What makes him a failure bc he chooses not to have children? You are a nasty person. And by the way, what about your values? You brag about the jewerly your child gets you. Who cares? I have over a million dollars in the bank, better than a piece of metal and rock. It seems you judge your children on what they can buy you.
That is exactly why some people should not be parents. It is okay to brag about how good your kids can be but not through insulting other people who made a different choice from you. I certainly hope her kids are not like her but do think that her kids love her as she is afterall their good mom but not a great one in this case. =)
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This is all a mess! My parent’s had me out of 9 other kid’s and trust me,It is not easy to be The other “child” I’ve grown up way too fast.Lost all those Childhood year’s! I swear if i had a chance to turn back the time or even erase a memory of me in the family I would.There is absolutely nothing better to have then to be loved and cherished as you’re child.Having a huge family is simply out of the question!..I was the 2nd youngest out of the 9 of us and the love shared was very little,most of time’s I would find myself alone!Misstreated or abandoned funny that! … Somewhere between age’s 5-9 I was doing all sort’s of Sexual stuff that (now i realize was really stupid) I find disgusted…and I don’t even know where i picked up the sexual need to screw a boy…which i find quite messed up! lol…..
I am a fucked up child of 9 kid’s….The thing i Do say is please don’t have so many kid’s if you decide too…keep your genital’s clean and use protection. =/
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My daughter was very much wanted. Of course, right after she was born the thought of “What did I let myself into?” occurred to me. I don’t feel guilty. She was crying inconsolably, not latching on and I had no idea what to do. But now, I would not change her for the world. Maybe I am too relaxed about her searching everywhere for stuff to grab, getting messy, demanding attention. what I find lovely would seriously get on other people’s nerves. I know that some people don’t have half of my patience. One mum in my antenatal class has a constantly spotless house… despite having a 15-month-old, like me. don’t know how she does, nor do I want to know. that’s not my priority. Another problem is the massive lack of information we are given about child development. Our expectations should be revised for so many things, like staying quiet at all times, no tantrums, sitting still and eating cleanly before they can even talk, and also writing their names before school age. I agree that wanting a child has nothing to do with selflessness, and it is not a need. It is a lifestyle choice. Some people should not make that choice for a variety of reasons such as career demands, travelling and so forth. I can’t blame you for wanting someone to attend your funeral, but in exchange, you just have to be willing to make sacrifices. If you are not, (and if you don’t have children yet), indeed, think long and hard before making that commitment, or in any case, don’t throw thousands of $$$ for an IVF.
Honestly, this is a load of Bull!! Your thoughts may be ‘selfish’ or ‘correct’ but it doesnt mean all parenting lives are horrible and need to be regreted because you know what you’ve been emphasisng the fact that people shoupd be ‘regretful’ but no parenting can be wonderful ‘not perfect’ people choose to be the way yhey are according to what cricumstances they were broughy up in .. life isn’t but a journry to all and everyone has the freedom to chooee their life motto and as for you … you are not ‘selfish’ although this article is because you went about it all the wrong way…
I am in my early forties. Have two young kids 4 and 6. (Had kids later in life).
Basically, for me, my identity became “wage earner and parent”. That’s it. That’s all I have time for. If I don’t start getting more enjoyment out of the kids activities I am in big big trouble. I am already very depressed. Am I selfish? First off, I don’t give a sweet F*** what anyone (especially online) thinks of me. So now that we’ve established that, I am not selfish. I give a lot of time and all of my financial resources to my family. I drive a lesser car and wear lesser clothes and don’t do much else so I can afford things for my kids. Nice things. They both have Ipads. And college funds. And nice clothes. And they do sports, and dance lessons. My hobbies have sort of been pushed aside – not just because of the money part but moreso the TIME. I don’t have TIME. Between work, raising them, spending time with them, stopping them from killing eachother, bathing them, feeding them, putting them to bed, getting them up, getting them dressed, getting them to and from sports and school and activities. It’s really like having a second full time job. I mean it. I used to get tired from my ONE full time job! HA! I didn’t realize how easy I had it back then!
It’s very conflicting, really. On one hand, I really like and love my kids and a few times a week I get this “moment of pride” when one kid does something nice or says something smart or helps out or just *cooperates* with me. But, on the other hand, it’s a day to day grind. It’s like a second career. You come home from one job and job#2 starts. Then me and the wife stare blankly at the TV for an hour and drag ourselves to bed, exhausted. The amount of housework with kids seems to be triple what it was when it was just the two of us. After breakfast, lunch or dinner, it’s not “pot and pan two plates in the sink” but the kitchen looks like a bomb went off. Same with clothes. The kids seem to have four clothes changes a day when you include sports uniforms and “accidents”.
I dunno. The “kids are everything” people are a special bunch. I mean, maybe special in an OLYMPIC kind of way I don’t know. I know I would NEVER EVER EVER tell anyone that having kids is the “way to go” – it’s a choice. And I DO KNOW that I would not be all cute and jovial about the subject – people who ask “Really, what’s it like?” I would tell them.
It feels very very sad and horrible to regret having kids. But a lot of the time, I regret marriage and children. We’re not all cut out for the sheer stress of it and the truckloads of work it takes. I seem to stress out too easily and get tired too fast for kids. And the single childfree health nuts say that 6 hours a week in the gym would make me into a healthy superdad! Sure, as soon as there are 26 hours in the day I’ll spend the extra two hours – yes 1 hour at the gym takes two hours, but childfree people don’t count things like travel and shower time. Parents do, because we know that minutes add up hours and time is a precious resource.
People who know they are not cut out for it or just don’t want kids have my total respect and support. People who know it all and judge others they don’t know or tell other people what it is they should want, well, are idiots and they keep me laughing. And say what you want, because I will laugh as your bloodpressure soars as your post your diatribe and ad hominem attacks. Do your worst. It’s your blood pressure.
There. I ranted. Now I have to get back to work so I can get home on time and get started on the “weekend routine”. Oh dear god, don’t get me started on the WEEKEND ROUTINE. Just own your sh1t and do what you want and be happy in life and make your own choices and when someone tells you you’re selfish or doing it wrong just tell them to F-off.
Oh boy did my children change my world, BUT…….I LOVE my children!!! I’ll say it again I LOVE MY CHILDREN, regardless of the tantrums, teenage attitude and sleepless nights. Did I mention I have a teenager, toddler, infant and a husband who returned from Afghanistan completely, for lack of better words, fucked up. Yet I somehow I still find a way to be happy and positive. So please don’t tell me that I should share your negative views about motherhood. You have your fears of mothering and I respect that, and yes I’m sure there are millions of people who regret having children. Maybe, I propose, that just the problem with society. Maybe if people could just stop thinking about themselves for just a second and invest a little time in their precious little children we wouldn’t be be bringing up a bunch of narcissistic assholes.
Wow! This shit is so true.I am a mother of 2,and I love my kids but I am miserable doing this with all the work and effort it takes.People…DO NOT HAVE children,you will constantly catch your self working and doing things with no time for your self its a life of worry and commitment if I could go back in time I wouldn’t of done this to my self as fucked up as it sounds its really the truth!
If you don’t want them, please don’t have them. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE DON’T HAVE THEM. And tell all your friends that they shouldn’t do this either! These babiesIt’s OK. Don’t let people guilt trip you into having children. You are clearly not cut out for it and it’s OK!!!! They are too precious to come out of someone who doesn’t really want them. Please get fixed (spayed? neutered? whatever it’s called, just get fixed). There are enough moms out that there don’t know what the fuck they are doing and are having litters of babies who will probably not be exposed to the resources that they need to have a happy and/or successful life. We as a society don’t need any more “sorta wanted” kids.
Yes, they are a pain in the ass. Yes, they cost a lot of money. Yes, there are days when I’d rather sleep in than feed these people or get drunk rather than do homework. But I can handle this. Most people can’t.
I’ve never seen anything more more amazing than my own kids. Who wouldn’t want a mommy that thought they were the most amazing thing ever?? Just don’t do it, ok? Get fixed! Please get fixed. No one wants to come from a mommy that got caught and had to suck it up. Thank god my accident turned into a phenomenal blessing, as I am not one to sit back and suck up shit for other people’s benefit, at least UNTIL I HAD MY BABIES.
With love,
Accidental mommy
To all of you people who are saying that youd go back in time and stop yourself from having your child and that you regret it, Imagine yourself showing your children what youve written on this post. Imagine their faces whether they’re little children, teenagers, or adults. Imagine if your parents posted something like this. Its like the only person (or two people) in the world who is supposed to love them unconditionally is say
I will understand that. My family used to be poor and we go through shit. So I will understand my parents when they tell me that because despite saying that they still love me and I still love them. The only difference is now I choose to be childfree and concentrate to love my bf and my parents. =)
@Anonymous:
So you had a kid by accident and you LOVE your new role (lucky you) and thus now you’re able to take a morally superior stance and chastise everyone who had kids (intentionally or otherwise) if they are overwhelmed and possibly even regretting it?
Then again, I’ve heard people say they LOVE parenting… but their dirty faced kids don’t get much attention and have very few opportunities. It’s funny, sometimes the people who identify themselves as being so awesome are not doing that great of a job, while parents who admit parenting is hard and that they are struggling have kids that are doing very well.
I talk with my kids. DO things with them. Volunteer in their schools and sports teams. I am always on the go doing things for my wife and kids. It’s hard as hell some days, especially when I am sick and my wife and boss both have different plans for my evening and weekend!
So yeah, it rips me up that sometimes I regret having kids (and being married too) but it’s true. And it’s an ugly truth. And most people don’t DARE say it, even anonymously online. But there, I’ve said it. And it rips me up and makes me feel sick and guilty. But it’s still true.
I bet a lot of parents feel the way I do, and still try their best despite feeling tired and isolated.
I can’t see how anyone can judge anyone else for doing something and then later regretting it. It’s certainly taboo when it comes to kids… but people can regret ANYTHING they do in life… why should it be any different with kids?
You can try marriage and divorce if it’s not your thing. That’s cool.
You can try a job and quit if it’s not your thing. That’s okay too.
You can even retrain if your CAREER is not what you thought it would be. No problem.
You can change your religion if your heart tells you to do so – people do it all the time.
And you can even TRY OUT marriage, jobs, careers, and even religions FIRST before TRULY deciding to commit to them.
But with kids, you sign up before you have them, not knowing what it’s really like to take care of them (properly) and raise them (properly).
Just remember – I don’t know if my critics are making the kinds of sacrifices I am making and am doing the kind of job I am doing. So forgive me if I don’t really take criticism from strangers on the internet too too seriously.
My kids are loved. Love is a verb, not a feeling in one’s heart. Love is action. Love is sacrifice. I hear mommies say all the time “I love my kids to death” but still stick a needle in their arm. Or stay with that abusive a-hole boyfriend. Or not work. Or not spend time with her kids and spend her time online with her boifriends.
I regret having kids from time to time.
But that doesn’t mean I don’t love them ALL of the time.
They’re not mutually exclusive as far as I am concerned and I think GOOD parents who have these parents can STOP guilt tripping themselves, yet we all know they won’t!!
Sorry: Last sentence is “…good parents who have these FEELINGS”…
My brain is tired today.
If many of us could do it over …We would have waited later or not had any at all. Children do make you a better person, but they do hold you back from alot of your goals and dreams.
Side note-> just because you dont physically see a person with children doesnt mean she NEVER had children , she just used abortations as her birth control method..
women kill when they scream they dont have kids , meanwhile they had aleast 3 aborations please!!1
I was too scared to get one , and i figured my pregnancy was meant to be, here i am a mother of twins and I love it ..it took some getting used to but i love them to death …
Your opinion is worthless if you don’t have kids yourself. Of course life would be easier without kids and I could do whatever I wanted whenever I wanted to do it. However, nothing is better than hearing my kids say, “I love you daddy”. Any bit of selfishness you have ever felt goes away with the first kid. If it doesn’t you shouldn’t have had them to begin with. Aside from all the emotion, life can’t exist without reproduction so that in itself makes the author a fucking retard.
First off, there are parents here with kids expressing that they loved their children but from time to time they do felt tired and have that feeling of what if I don’t have them. It is nothing wrong because we are all human and parents will always be respected as the hardest job on earth provided that they are great parents.
Second, I believe you may feel offended with the harsh title in this article but look, we childfree by choice people goes through a long process of thoughts and finally made that decision. We have seen aweful kids with even more aweful parents who don’t nurture or educate their kid yet they choose to give birth without much thoughts into it. Obviously, I don’t mean all parents. I have seen great parents. Nevertheless, this article is a good place for parents-wannabe to give a deep thought whether they are suitable to be although it may be a little bit negative but we are adults, we are able to judge by ourselves with some researching. It is a serious matter to bring a new life to this world, it is not just about ‘I love you daddy/mommy’. It is more than that. Your mentioned that your selfishness goes away with your first kid. Let me tell you a story:
A chinese medicine doctor held a talk once per week to the parents and their children to educate them on the chinese herbs. They will give out free chinese herb where you can eat it like sweets. As they gave out, the children eat it happily and you can see that the parents are keeping the sweets for their children.
Here you can see that the parents are very nice and it is parents-love etc. But the chinese medicine said:
“You parents should eat the sweets together with the children as well.” The parents felt weird and wonder why. And so the doctor said again: “Parents have that idea of keeping everything the best to their children, but the best thing is the parents enjoy the moments with the children is what they should do. Because the idea of keeping the sweets to their children selflessly is only teaching the children to be selfishly keeping everything to themselves or their parents; thus, the education ideal here is not right.” Afterwards, all the parents started eating the sweets with the children.
This is something very basic but many people don’t know or can’t do it. Parents doesn’t means that they are selfless, childfree by choice doesn’t means that we are selfish. Yes, life can’t exist without reproduction but if we childfree by choice think that we are not suitable to be parents then we rather not choose to create a life but can’t nurture/educate them properly. The world has just grow into a place that it is harder to raise a kid than ever. If you love your children we respect that, and that makes you wrong to call the author a retard. Have a good day. I wish you enjoy your parenthood and your good kids will be successful in the future.
The Chinese medicine doctor said* Sorry about the mistake.
Thank you anonymous, I was thinking just the same. People bitching about what a pain in the ass children are and yet if everyone shared this repulsive view then, guess what, none of us would be here, haha. If the author’s parents would have shared his views then he would not have had the luxury of typing away at a computer to write an article which expresses nothing more than negative and completely selfish views of nature. Reproducing is natural, be grateful for it people!!!
I came across this post by accident (bizarrely, I was actually looking up ways to help my toddler walk!) and was intrigued, and perhaps a little shocked, by the provocative title. I read the article though, and a good few of the comments too before deciding to comment myself.
Now, let me just say firstly, that I have total respect for those who choose not to have children. It is, quite simply, not what everyone wants out of life, and there’s nothing wrong with that. No-one should be made to feel guilty about that either or feel like they constantly have to explain their life choices. It’s no-one else’s business!
Is the decision not to have children selfish? Yes, of course it is. You have decided to keep your life the way you like it, and keep on doing what suits you. That doesn’t mean it’s a bad thing though. The majority of everyone’s life choices (including choosing to have children!) are based on selfish reasons. Whether you want kids or no kids, a career, a partner, a home in the city or suburbs etc – all of these are “selfish” decisions, based on what is best for you as a person, and what would make you happiest in life. It’s what drives us all, and no-one should have to apologise for that.
Obviously if you find yourself a parent under different circumstances (as in Ashlee’s situation) then part of your self-driven choice has been taken away from you, and I can completely understand that part of you, at least, wishes you’d been able to live the life you would have chosen for yourself, if you’d actually had the choice. Others may have thought they wanted it, and then realised, far too late, that it wasn’t actually what they wanted at all. That’s a shame, as no-one wants to live their life regretting their decisions, and certainly not one as permanent and irreversible as children. You can’t always help how you feel though, and I don’t think anyone deserves to be judged for that. I would hope however that, regardless of your remorse, you would still do the best by your child and never let onto them how you truly feel. They, after all, are the only ones who never had any choice in the matter to begin with.
As for me, I can say with complete honesty, that I do not, and never have – for one minute – regretted becoming a parent. No, it’s not always easy, and yes, there are many days when I wish I could crawl back under the duvet for a few hours, not have to deal with a tantrum, or head out to the pub for the evening just because I feel like it. But I knew all this before I got pregnant. I knew what I was signing up for, how my life would change, and I still wanted it. I still do now, and I want more children in the near future.
I’m not sure I could pinpoint exactly why I always wanted kids, but I don’t think it was for any of the reasons suggested in this article. Having known I wanted kids since I was only a kid myself, I don’t think any of those reasons would even have occurred to me. I know I would certainly love to be as good a mum to my daughter as my mum was, and still is, to me, but that’s something I really aspire to, not want to “out-do”. I’m even more certain that I did not have a void in my life before my daughter came along. I was very happy, and could probably have carried on for a good few more years yet before starting a family. My partner and I pretty much agreed “why wait?” though, and we often say to each other now that it was the best decision we ever made. I love that child with all my heart, and whether there was a void in my life there before her or not, I know there certainly would be now if I didn’t have her. It changed my life having her, and that is something I will never, ever, regret.
Jc28, thank you for your comment. It is nice to read it. I am very sure you are a great mother and glad that I am following this thread. Like you said that you are not sure if you could pinpoint exactly why you always wanted kids and having known you wanted kids since you were only a kid yourself. I too, couldn’t help with that affection-less towards kid since I was only a kid myself. I do share that affection towards animals. I have no idea why too, if we don’t count that responsibility in taking care of children. Well, you take responsibility in every decision you have made and including consequences. I have awesome parents who taught me that and I love them. However, I am more than willing to spend hours with dogs and cats or other animal.
Having faced that filthy stare all the time when I don’t go ‘gigi googoogoo’ on someone else baby is just kind of suffocating. At first, I will tell them I really have no plan to have baby because I don’t really into it when asked. All I get is some ‘assumptious’ or rude questions, I get offensive when I was younger but now I just feel alright, it’s a norm. Our society or the so-called nature function that way.
I came across many different types of parents. I have seen great parents with great patience and well educated. I have seen parents who enforce their children to do things that they couldn’t do it themselves when they were younger or those who couldn’t achieve certain things ends up not allowing their children to try because they see no point in it and their kid won’t have any achievement in it like themselves anyway. There are also parents who expect the kids to pay them back when they grow up. You are right, the new born baby are the only ones who never had any choice in the matter to begin with. I won’t say it is wrong to have expectation on your kids. Human are all selfish to being with. But too many times for some parents, ‘parents are the greatest’ became over rated for them.
Couldn’t agree more on every decision made is a selfish one. It is actually all based on which perspective you are coming from to decide if it is a selfish or selfless one. I just thought our world could be better with more open minded people who are willing to accept and respect there are other kinds of people and not alienate them. Reading these whole chunk of comments, you already can see how do people judge childfree-thinking people. And while us, just hope parents-to-be can have more thoughts on if they truly wanted children. It is all for the better future of the kid they are going to have.
to begin with*
Lots of bingos here in the comments! Your blog was linked on a childfree forum and I am adding the comments I made there, with some modifications.
To those who claim the childfree are immature, or fearful of fracturing their relationships, what is wrong about loving myself, my life, my husband, and being so fulfilled in my relationship, that I have no desire to throw a hand grenade into my life or marriage? Shocking that I do not see my life partner as a sperm donor and wallet, I know. As a result we have a loving, mature, self-aware, emotionally/mentally/physically connected, and totally honest relationship as equals. Such a shame.
Many, many women I know have popped out babies because they feel insecure in their relationships as well as unfulfilled. They think a baby will provide certainty (he can’t leave, we have a baaaaby!) or the love they feel they are lacking (yeah, that sounds healthy!). How is that mature? Or loving? I have seen exactly what raising kids does to the dynamics of a couple. No thanks.
Furthermore, many parents I have seen suffer an emotional stalling or regression. I see this most often in mothers. Not all, my own mother is intelligent and interesting but she also was not baby-obsessed and continued her career. Many, however, focus ALL their attention on baby, baby toys, baby needs, baby this, baby that. They basically become feed troughs for nursing children. Their male partners wonder when their partners snuck in a lobotomy. You might as well talk to a wall…it is far more interesting. Many of us childfree women can tell you that your male partners, our coworkers and friends, do not exactly like who you have become and they do not think we the childfree are the childish ones.
I firmly believe that in this day and age, when and where birth control including abortion is accessible, that many women who sprog are committing a form of mental and emotional suicide. Pretty much every mother I know decided to get knocked up at a time their self-esteem was low, their relationship either brand new or rocky, their life tumultuous, or they were dissatisfied with their career options and so forth. Spend some time lurking a trying to concieve or infertility forum and you get whines about just wanting to experience unconditional love, to be fawned over, to oops their partner, about jealousy over a pregnant friend getting attention, about not caring that their partner is not ready/does not want kids as they do, and so on. They really are a cesspool of selfishness.
Also, good luck with that fantasy of your kids basically being around to give you 24/7 love and affection in your old age. When was the last time you spent more than a few minutes with your own parents because, you know, you have your own life to live? In this day and age children grow up, move away, have their own careers, families (with or without children) or, may not even like you or may end up as drug addicts. Babies should not be born with the job to care for you one day and heal your own insecurities. I am not that insecure that I am worried about being lonely or bored in my old age. I do not actually mind being alone. I am good company. I’ll make sure to cry a little while I am enjoying a hike up Kilimanjaro at 65 with my sexy husband, while you are stuck in Nowhere, Idaho parenting grandbrats who were dumped off at your place, and trying to keep your uterus from prolapsing out of your vagina after all that trauma from childbirth.
I have plenty of experience around children. I was a few years older than my siblings. I have a dozen much younger cousins. I have nephews. I worked in a daycare, a camp, and babysat for years. Guess what? I love my siblings, much more so as adults, but I find no joy in kids. Everything about them is irritating. Their care, their shrieks, their undeveloped brains, their sticky hands, their selfishness, their inability to respect personal space, their cost, their smell…ugh. An old age without grandbrats sounds perfect. The only thing worse is being around parents who think their child is the end all be all. I have seen formerly intelligent and creative people end up talking about nothing except their baby’s shitting habits and and their child’s art “talent”. They stopped living for themselves alright, but they also stopped living.
In 40 years, the world’s population has doubled from 3.5 billion to 7 billion. If we are in danger of extinction it is because we have too many people, not because we do not have enough. These arguments are usually racist or fundie. No one complains that there are not enough Middle Eastern, Indian, Muslim, poor, etc breeding, it is always about the white, Christian, middle-class North Americans. Declines in our population levels, even extinction, is not a motivation for me. I think it would do the planet good.
I am in my early/mid 30s. I feel happier about being childfree every single day. I am finally getting sterilized soon. It can be hard finding a doctor willing to do something so “permanent” if a woman has never had kids despite fact having kids at 21 is also permanent and perfectly fine! It was actually having a certain genetic risk that pushed them into finally being okay with it. For those who would say it is a good thing I am not going to breed? Darn right! That is hardly insulting or a threat.
For those interested in some childfree reading, I recommend “The Baby Trap” Ellen Peck and “I’m Okay, You’re a Brat” to start.
@nancy…
Um, having abortions and never giving birth means you have never had children. A fetus is not a child. Someone who has had abortions and not given birth is not a mother.
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People should stop birthing all together. They will have no future. I wish people would stop interfering and live their own lives. People that bring children into the world and resent them is emotiona abuse. Take responsibility for your own actions.
People should stop birthing all together. They will have no future. I wish people would stop interfering and live their own lives. People that bring children into the world and resent them is emotional abuse. Take responsibility for your own actions.
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People, just accept everyone’s decisions. Support people who don’t/ do want kids. We have gays, transsexuals, etc. we accept them why can’t we accept the littlest thing as to not having children… This is really disappointing.